Moving on. Lunch. Like I mentioned sometime back (I think) I went Pasta Fresca today with Mom and Bro. All I can say is, oh my god. Seriously oh my god. That, and I miss the guy so damn much. I went in, saw him, and just started smiling like a moron. Throughout the entire lunch I had to force myself to stop smiling because my mom would probably suspect something was going on.

Then again, she knows I have a crush on him, though she doesn't know that we're dating (of course not), so I suppose she would have assumed, with definite disapproval, no less, that I was smiling from ear to ear because I got to see "Gem".

Which is true, kind of, but the difference now is, he smiled back.

There was a definite (or imagined, I don't know, but whatever) sexiness in the air. He would stand behind the counter and look at me, and I would catch him in the act and look back, and a smile would play on my lips, as per usual, and after a while I'd look away, all the while smiling to myself. I couldn't talk to him, and I was dying to, you can trust me on that. So here's what I did: in the car I wrote him a note on my notebook, asking him to call me at 11 tonight. I folded it up, scrawled his name on it with the words "do not throw!" underneath, and just before we left the restaurant, I tucked it below my glass. It was totally discreet, my leaving Gen the note and us looking at each other half the time, so neither my mother nor my brother suspected a thing.

I should probably add too that my mom ain't the brightest crayon the box. This is probably because she's kind of trusting, kind of naive, and doesn't understand me or know me or anything of that sort. So even if she did see me looking at Gen or anything, she wouldn't suspect, for the slightest nanosecond, that something is going on between us. She'd be like, "Oh, the crazy woman again, looking at guys." Like looking at guys is not a completely normal thing to do at my age.

My mom seriously thinks I'm "frightening" for liking to look at guys. Gen took our orders today because I asked him to, and after he left I had a goofy smile on my face, and I was like, "Sigh!" Mom looked at me with a look of disgust on her face, as if I was crazy for lusting after the most drop-dead gorgeous guy on the planet.

She's the crazy one for not understanding. It's been too long since she was a teenager. She's forgotten what it's like to be 15 and not know anything about the world. She's forgotten what it's like to feel like you're falling in love for the first time, and how everything just stops when you're with that person, and how your insides start to tingle when you think about that person.

More importantly, she's forgotten how it feels like to grow up. I wouldn't say I'm the expert when it comes to facing the shit and dealing with it, because I have long since mastered the art of running away, but my mother is supposed to guide me. She's supposed to help me decide if I should have sex with Gen when I turn 16, but know what? I can bet you a million dollars if I bring the subject of sex up that she'd be all, "[insert name], you are so young, you don't understand sex, you don't understand love, you are not as mature as you think you are (do I even?), you are just a kid, you don't know what you're doing, the guy is a rat, you don't know ANYTHING!"

Oh yeah, I forgot her trademark remark: what if you get pregnant?

Mommy, ever heard of contraception? Condoms? The pill? Ever took sex ed?!?!?!

I'm being unfair and I'm taking out my frustrations on my poor mom because the idea of sex has been filling up my mind recently, and I just remembered that if my dad ever found out I had sex before marriage, he would legally disown me and I would have to live on the streets. That would suck. But this sex thing is um, really frustrating. I want to do it, sooooo much, but I know I shouldn't because my mom is right, I am too young. That I know.

But Hormones and Logic have never been the best of friends, now have they?

Okay, I have no idea how the hell I went from talking about lunch to talking about sex. I do that a lot, in case you haven't noticed. Go off on tangents, that is.

But seeing Gen today confirms something: I have to see him on Monday, or I would just die.

I would ask him the same thing he asked me the last time we saw each other: "So, what are you, my boyfriend?"