the opposite of happiness
written: 5:38 p.m. on Monday, Dec. 09, 2002

My weird dreams have started again. I did sleep really late this morning and drifted in and out of slumber, but I didn't know what to make of this: I wrote something somewhere about my reason for loving Slam Dunk and it was so heartfelt and...sappy? that I almost cried. That is the only bit I can remember but the whole feeling of that dream was so depressing and dark that my heart literally hurt.

The reason in the dream was that the anime gives me an escape from my life, it takes my mind off things and it makes me laugh. In retrospect, the me in the dream seriously needed her daily dose of Hana's crazy laughter and Mitsui's sexy being. She was depressed. I don't know why. I don't think she did either. She was just so sad and moody and dark and down and sad.

I believe in the power of dreams and signs and maybe the prophetic nature of dreams. I think that dream meant something. As usual, I can't figure out what.

*****

Told myself to pick up the phone and dial his number just to get it over with, and I did. I gave one-word answers and grunted unintelligible things because I didn't want to lie too much. I purposely kept silent while we both struggled for things to say (I'm always struggling for things to say). He wants a romantic girlfriend and it's just so not me. The closest I get to being romantic is to give the guy I'm dating a nice kiss on the lips. And to write poetry, but he doesn't get it.

I wanted the phone call to end as quick as it possibly could. A few times I have considered blurting everything over the phone, but have decided against it as I am tongue-tied when it comes to talking about things that will not put a smile on anyone's face, and doing it over the phone will make things much worse. I was glad, and even relieved, when he said, "Okay, so we'll hang up now."

Strangely, I was calm after. It was a brief moment of peace that settled over me, and brief as it was, I remember it and am learning to savour every single second, as peace nowadays is hard to come by.

If nothing goes wrong, everything should be over by Thursday.

*****

I wanted to lose my virginity just a few months before. I have thought about my first time, and it was beautiful, as a person's first time should be. I imagined I was in love. Deeply in love. So in love that I would die for the guy (and I wouldn't die for anyone, not friends, not boyfriends, maybe not even family, but I'm not sure). I imagined that the feeling was reciprocated.

In my perfect dream of shedding my virginity, the guy understands me and loves me for all my imperfection. He doesn't take digs at my grotesque body. He doesn't do anything to me that I don't want him to. He doesn't rush. He doesn't start anything, thereby stimulating my raging hormones and lure me into doing shit that I would ultimately regret. We're equal in bed and it's perfect, because it is an act of love, and love is everything we need to survive. It's the oxygen in our lungs. We're each other's oxygen.

He touches lightly, he kisses softly and he smiles a lot. He whispers meaningful words that come from the heart into my ear. He tells me he loves me, and I don't freak out because this guy is the one and it's the most perfect moment of my life. He orgasms, and so do I, and it isn't a one-way street when one partner climaxes and the other doesn't. It isn't all sexual either, because it comes with bursts of happiness and declarations of love. And we hold each other close after, and we fall asleep to the soft pattering of the rain outside, and we wake to the early rays of sunshine streaming into his room. Nobody disturbs us. We dream the same dream, and we integrate into one.

That dream is as far away now as any desires I ever had to have sex. Sex isn't an issue anymore. I admit I'm afraid. I don't want to commit to somebody and only to have that person telling me his feelings have changed. I don't want either to commit to somebody and only to tell him that my feelings have changed.

I no longer believe in the perfect moment, because there simply isn't one. The dream I just described embarrasses me, not because of its content, but because I had it in the first place. There isn't perfection in this world. There is more ugliness than beauty, and more often than not, I fail to see the beauty around me.

As for the things I have done, I'm just trying to take them in stride.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010