after a long dry spell, i am back
written: 10:04 p.m. on Saturday, Mar. 27, 2004

I have to complete three essays by Monday and I haven't finished even one. The worst thing in the world is doing Literature essays. I spent this afternoon trying to do the Utopian Writing essay but after two hours, all I had was three sentences which were basically the same point packaged differently, and a very, very low morale. I think this time it's for real. I'm giving up my dream of becoming a writer. I can't do it. I blamed it on a lack of inspiration but really, it's been way TOO LONG. My teachers in secondary school lied when they told me I had the talent; I don't. Talent translates into uninterrupted flow of writing, beautiful writing, efficacious writing, all of which don't apply to me in any way, shape or form.

This is the part where I revamp my life by doing something about my perpetual lack of inspiration, my lackadaisical attitude towards my so-called craft, but unfortunately, I don't have time for that. I need to know where my priorities lie, and they are now resting, a little uncomfortably, in November. The 'A' Levels. That is what being 18 is about, sadly.

Fuck. I should go buy a bottle of beer or something. Whatever, moving on now.

Something creepy happened to me on Monday night. It was about 11.15 p.m. I was watching re-runs of Friends on Channel 5, and it was advertisement break, so I went to the toilet and brushed my teeth. As I was going back to the living room, I heard somebody call my name. Thinking it was my mom as it was a female voice and it sounded like her, I turned around.

Lo and behold. Nobody was there. All I saw was darkness. Nothing else.

I freaked out, naturally. I'm quite amazed that I actually went back to the living room, sat down on the sofa and watched Friends until the next advertisement break. I'm very amazed, in fact, that I didn't run to my mom's room immediately and cower under her blanket. I guess I was trying to be 18 about it all, but when the TV spot for this local series about paranormal happenings in Singapore, I just lost it. The idiot box was switched off with a pair of quivering hands and I burst into my mom's room. I slept there that night.

I slept there the entire week. The next night I tried sleeping in my brother's room, like I usually do (my bed is perpetually buried under books and clothes and files and papers), but I couldn't sleep. It didn't help at all that in the afternoon, Mel, Princess and I were trading ghost stories and I kept thinking about it, and finally, I had it. Went to sleep in my mom's room. Had a difficult time falling asleep.

And this morning I dreamt of something very disturbing. My eldest cousin was at my place. All of a sudden, she said, "I can see him."

He's touching himself, she said. He's up to no good. I'm in trouble.

Later on I was in my parents' bedroom. The television wasn't switched on. And then, he/it appeared. Reflected in the television screen. He was grotesque, wearing only a pair of briefs. His hand hovered around his pelvic region, and then it stopped somewhere above it. He massaged his other wrist. Looked directly at me.

Next thing I knew, I was choking. Trying to kick, but making no contact. And just as quickly, he was a coach now, telling me to strike out, that I had to defend myself. He had released his grip around my neck and was poking at my feet.

It felt so real that I was afraid, as I slept. I was hot all over, like I was having a fever. But when I opened my eyes, it all went away.

My mom said to me in the car that I have to stop thinking about these things. That, or I get a religion, or it'll drive me crazy.

Maybe. But the religion is out. I don't see the connection. Or maybe it's just me.

**

I read in Mel's blog that The Asshole eats grapes in class.

I'm sorry, but pretentious much? Friday afternoon I went up to the staffroom with a classmate to get my Vectors assignment. Guess who was sitting at the sofas, surrounded by a swamp of students, but The Asshole himself.

I didn't know that he was there. I only found out when I glanced at the sofas, and found myself looking directly at him, eye contact and all.

Fuck. I looked away as if I didn't know him. And I think the gesture was mutual.

Not that I care. I don't know what his fucking problem is anyway.

What has this got to do with the grapes, you ask? Not much, actually, just that his unconventional (to put it politely) actions now have the effect of making me quite agitated. I can't stand people who think they're the shit when they're not.

My annoyance is incoherent, really, so there isn't a point in writing about it, but I just wanted to mention that anyway.

But that few minutes outside the staffroom was...

It was... and that one second...

Fuck.

**

My daddy's the best. He came back from Taiwan today. And oh my god, he actually bought me a Jay Chou poster and got my cousin to buy me like, four or five photos of him. Haha! I was only kidding when I asked him to buy me some posters of Jielun, because really, what the hell am I going to do with his pictures? They can't possibly sing to me. I really wanted the Taiwan version of Ba Du Kong Jian though, because the CD-inlay of the Taiwan version is a lot more aesthetically-sppealing than the Singapore one, but unfortunately, he couldn't find it.

What a surprise. How difficult is it to find a Jay Chou CD anyway? They're everywhere here in Singapore. And I thought they would be quite available since he's Taiwanese and all but I guess his popularity is too rampant for the producers or whoever to keep up.

Yeah, whatever. My dad rules. He also brought back a few boxes of awesome Taiwan instant noodles. I miss those things.

My entire family in Taiwan voted for the KMT. And my gorgeous cousin had a row with his girlfriend over politics; she's a pan-Green supporter while he's pan-Blue.

The Taiwan presidential is... their election plays like a badly-scripted movie, and I want to be a part of that excitement, almost unbridled passion. That�s what living is about: standing up for your beliefs, making your voice heard, and not giving a fuck who�s looking.

This may sound paradoxical as the turmoil in Taiwan is disrupting every day life, but from a sheltered Singaporean's point of view, it's exciting. It also poses as a stark contrast to the dead political scene here... like I said in the previous entry, such a thing would hardly happen here. We're too stable for that.

I don't know. I just feel like I'm missing out on something. And yes, I am, but what can be done about that? Absolutely nothing.

I miss Taiwan. I sincerely hope that there'd still be a Taiwan for me to go back to in December.

**

That's it for now. Gotta reply someone on Friendster, and I think I won't be doing my Literature essay tonight. I think I predicted this somewhat but whatever. I'm beyond caring right now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010