a longshot.
written: 9:47 a.m. on Sunday, Jul. 10, 2005

On the bus to Dhoby Gaut (it took me a freaking hour by the way, to get there from Upper Bukit Timah, and it was all I could do NOT to strangle the bus driver for being slow and turning the air-con way freaking down and I sat at the back of the useless bus and felt sweat pooling up around the base of my knee area. Fuck indeed), after realising that it was gonna be just me and Pearlyn, I was worried that it might be weird and awkward. Like we won't have anything much to say, and that silences would overwhelm whatever banter we try to make, but it just wasn't the case at all. It was like me and Mel, only different and I was, admittedly, a bit ticked off at Pearlyn for not calling me up when she was back in Singapore but you know what, it doesn't matter.

I'm glad I got to hang with her before she flies off to Australia again on Monday, and that's possibly the biggest understatement I'm making. We had lunch at Cafe Cartel - my pan-fried macaroni thingy was mind-blowing...until I added cheese to it and it started tasting like copper. It was probably damn stupid of me 'cause it wasn't tomato sauce but Pearlyn got it for me and I felt bad about just letting it sit on the table so I was like, "Oh what the fuck" and did what I did and well. It was spicy like hell too which was probably bad for the throat but then again I drank two cups of over-priced iced coffee yesterday and I ate brownie for breakfast this morning, and my point is basically that I am unable to take care of myself so too damn bad for me.

My doctor said, "Don't go out and eat nonsense", but Nonsense is the only thing I enjoy eating. I can't switch that off, so I'd be preparing myself for the day when I finally cough out my lungs.

So anyway Pearlyn told me that Liying was supposed to meet her at two. I met Pearlyn at two and Liying was nowhere in sight. We called her at around 2.30; she said she was still at home. Pearlyn passed me the phone and I was like, "Ni bai chi ah, na mo wan le hai zai jia li!" (You idiot! It's so late already and you're still at home!) Yada yada and she said that she'd be at Plaza Singapura in about fifteen minutes' time.

Fifteen minutes later and she was still nowhere in sight. We called her again; she said, I'm on the cab, I'll be there in fifteen minutes.

Another fifteen minutes went by and did she arrive? Of course not; if she had she wouldn't be Liying. She said the same thing when we called her and Pearlyn was plotting myriad of ways to kill her, and I sat there and laughed and concurred and it was great.

So a third fifteen minutes passed and Liying finally showed her face. She wore a low-cut top, as usual, and Pearlyn went off about her showing cleavage and teasing her about it, just like old times. They started kicking and poking each other and I sat there and smiled and thought about how it's funny that Liying is three years older than us but acts like she's still a kid - how compatible with Pearlyn's massive inner child!

But then again, we've all grown up a little over the past couple of years. Pearlyn discovered herself and got what she wanted; Liying is going to a medical school in Taiwan to pursue her dream of becoming a doctor; and I'm turning 19 in a few days' time and thinking, what a drag it is to grow up because I just want to do this for the rest of my life.

Hanging with the mates. No obligations. No boyfriends, significant others to get in the way of things. Ten years down the road they'd be married, busy with their kids and where does that leave us?

You know, I don't think I even want to think about that right now. I just want to live in the moment and dream as if I had forever, live as if I only had today.

**

Pearlyn and I watched the 5.45 p.m. screening of Fantastic Four after Liying left for a chalet at Sentosa. The movie was pure popcorn entertainment and serious eye-candy in the form of the hot hot hot Chris Evans who was naked save for a blanket covering his nether regions for about ten minutes of the movie, and Julian Maghon-however-you-spell who embraces villainious characters like a second skin. I was so upset when he put on that ridiculous steel mask towards the end! He looked so good with that contemptuous sneer on his face and that scar running down the right (I think) of said face.

Chris Evans's character was a bit of a himbo but those ten minutes of him wearing nothing but a blanket was worth half the admission price alone. Seriously.

Ah, what can I say? A straight, single and possibly hormonal girl like me can only be into totally hot guys.

I wanna be superficial for now, right up to August 1 when I probably have to be smart again.

Sometimes, being smart is extremely draining and "I don't see what the fucking point is"-esque. It stops you from having fun. Like, if you're supposed to be smart and if you listen to your parents about what being smart entails then you wouldn't do things like spend the whole damn day outside Isetan/Shaw House/whatever and wait for Jay Chou to stand in front of you for about three minutes, and if you don't do dumb things like that, what's the point of living? Edison Chen touched my hand (OMG like he like likes me like!!!!111!1!!!!11!!!!) and how many people in the world (okay, just Asia) can say that? Queueing up four hours to get Jay Chou's autograph - if I lose my mind and have actual grandkids in the future, that would be an interesting story to tell.

When you look back on your life you don't want to think, "What did I do when I was young, full of life and not strapped into a hospital bed just waiting to die? Was it nothing? I didn't do anything and how I wish I had done something."

There are great truths to the saying "youth is wasted on the young". Now, I'm 20 next year, 21 the year after, and it just keeps going until I'm six feet under, or scattered in the ocean, or buried under fallen debris and I don't want to regret anymore. How sad it must be for one to look back on one's life on one's deathbed and think, "If only...then maybe..."

**

Pearlyn and I had dessert for dinner at IndoChine, Clarke Quay.

It was fucking expensive. A piece of chocolate fudge cake costs $12. A piece of tiramisu costs $12.

(See what I said about me eating nothing but nonsense?)

On the flip side, it tasted damn freaking awesomely good. Oh man. I could have nothing but dessert for the rest of my life! Talk about a major food orgasm, honestly. Pearlyn footed the bill 'cause I tried to pay with my POSB card but they didn't accept Nets (hello, even supermarkets accept nets, like dude!) and I had like zero cash with me so yeah. I owe Pearlyn $12. Someone remember that for me.

The place was nice. Pretty traditionally-Chinese facade; intriguing Chinese-themed bar/restaurant; sweet tinge of burning incense that permeated the place; and nice, romantic candles that grace every table.

I can't help but wonder if I'm thinking too much, if I'm over-analysing every little detail. They should teach you useful things in school, honestly. Life skills. So that you won't be left floundering in the real world and thinking, "What the fuck does that mean? What the fuck did I do? Am I fucking insane? I think I've lost it."

But you know, I'm done sitting around, waiting, 'cause I've been doing that for the past year and a half and I am so bored of it that I haven't the proper words to describe it. If something's going to happen, I'll let it happen. If nothing happens - which won't surprise me since it's basically the story of my life - then so be it.

I don't know. Things are kind of weird right now. Last night confused me and my first instinct was to run and think too hard and over-analyse like the fucking train wreck that I really am.

See? I did mention, quite a bit, in this journal that my heart, if I can call it that, is dysfunctional.

**

Still, this dysfunctional maybe-heart is in love with Seamus Heaney's "The Walk". It's such a beautiful love poem. If someone wrote me something like that, I'd totally marry him, even if he's not as hot as Edison Chen.

The Walk

Glamoured the road, the day, and him and her
And everywhere they took me. When we stepped out
Cobbles were riverbed, the Sunday air
A high stream-roof that moved in silence over
Rhododendrons in full bloom, foxgloves
And hemlock, robin-run-the-hedge, the hedge
With its deckled ivy and thick shadows -
Until the riverbed itself appeared,
Gravelly, shallowly, summery with pools,
And made a world rim that was not for crossing.
Love brought me that far by the hand, without
The slightest doubt or irony, dry-eyed
And knowledgeable, contrary as be damned;
Then just kept standing there, not letting go.

*

So here is another longshot. Black and white.
A negative this time, in dazzle-dark,
Smudge and pallor where we make out you and me,
The selves we struggled with and struggled out of,
Two shades who have consumed each other's fire,
Two flames in sunlight that can sear and singe,
But seem like wisps of enervated air,
After-wavers, feathery ether-shifts...
Yet apt to rekindle suddenly
If we find along the way charred grass and sticks
And an old fire-fragrance lingering on,
Erotic woodsmoke, witchery, intrigue,
Leaving us none the wiser, just better primed
To speed the plough again and feed the flame.

Seamus Heaney

Isn't it beautiful? I love the fire imagery, how it conveys the passion of the first few months of a relationship, how it can be so easily snuffed out a few more months/years down the road, and how the possibility of it being rekindled is always there.

Great poems that take your breath away should not have the injustice of shallow analysis done to them. I shall leave it at that.

**

I woke up at around 8.30 a.m. this morning, partly because my right leg started to ache and it kept me from sleeping, also because I had a hard time falling asleep in the first place. I was supposed to watch Batman Begins with my dad at Jurong Point at 10.30 a.m. but they took away that time slot. I'm meeting Simon later on at like, 1.30, and then I'm gonna make my dad watch the movie with me at Jurong East at 6.45.

My parents, my bro, mean more than the world to me.

And for once, I can't wait to meet Simon. I need someone to explain to me the inexplicable, downright bizzare and confusing tendencies of the opposite sex.

For now, I need to rest my head.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010