So wanted, oh wow.
written: 10:51 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008

First, the not-so-interesting parts:

I had lunch with my mom at Hooked!, this nice restaurant that serves fish-based dishes at the Rail Mall. After that I headed to Kinokuniya where I bought, like, 3 books (one of them being Letters from London) and finally signed up for the privilege card.

At around 4 I went to The Firm to collect my internship cheque, which actually totalled up to an amount more substantial than I was expecting, so that was good. The first person I saw, though, was the ex-boss, who asked me if I was there to visit them. I very honestly told him that I was there to collect my cheque. I spent about half an hour talking to the HR woman who is super amazingly nice, then found out from Lester (who's interning there) that the associate I did work for finally moved down to that floor from where he was previously. So I went to say hi, and the conversation further reinforced my suspicion that my getting a pupillage spot there had a lot to do with him. Without his endorsement, I seriously doubt that I would've got in, so...OMG SO SCARY. SO DAMN SCARY OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGGG. I WAS THIS CLOSE TO HAVING NOWHERE TO GO FOR PUPILLAGE!!!!! I'm so relieved that my confused Lawnet fumbling actually turned up useful things for him; otherwise? FUCKING. DEAD.

I had a quick chat with the ex-boss before I left, and...well, the details I'm going to keep private, so suffice it to say that I'm feeling the pressure to perform a year in advance, and trust me, it's really not a fun feeling - at all.

Oh well, bridge can be burned a year later, so whatever!

Okay, here comes the interesting parts:

I was headed for Marina Square 'cause I still had a $10 voucher to spend, which was expiring at the end of the month (I thought it was expiring next Monday 'cause I got it for my birthday last year but I only realised it was valid until July 2008 when I took it out to pay for my $28 Mango jeans). The short of it is, I was stopped three times by three complete strangers from City Hall MRT station all the way to Marina Square.

The long of it:

The first time I was stopped, it was by this "talent scout" for one of those crappy "modelling agencies" where they tell you that they're looking for "fresh faces" to do freelance modelling. I'll admit that I've always been quite intrigued by this freelance thing because...I mean, seriously, being paid to look pretty? Sounds like brainless work; ergo, I'll take it! The "scout" showed me her card and I immediately recognised the company - Create Talents. Or whatever the heck they're called. Completely tacky name, and I was stopped by some other dude from the same company a few months ago. And guess what? I actually went down to their completely shabby-looking office and almost signed stuff - until they told me I had to pay $400 or whatever for whatever.

Like...I don't mind doing this, but I don't want to have to pay for it, especially not $400, so no thanks. So when I saw the girl's card I was like, "Eh, fuck, not interested." But she was quite nice and actually spoke proper English, like omg no way, and I felt bad if I just left so I let her have my name and number. BOO. I hope they don't call me, 'cause, yeah, I'm not going to waste my time going down to their new office which is at the really glam Dhoby Ghaut MRT station. Whatevs.

The second time I was stopped, it was outside the Body Shop. This obviously-gay dude kind of ran up to me and said I can't remember what, then asked me if I'd heard of the company he was working for - I hadn't. I think he said "United Artistes" something, but in any case, the company is called UAN World.

Apparently they set up a booth outside HMV which I completely didn't notice and therefore completely and quite literally breezed past. According to him, his boss wanted to talk to me, but because I was walking so fast, she couldn't catch up, so she sent his minion - him - to come talk to me. I was wondering, What the fuck, I don't want to do freelance modelling thanks, but he was all, "Don't worry, we're not a modelling agency." He asked me if I watch Channel 5 and I was all, "Uh, I only watch, like, American dramas." He proceeded to ask me if I've heard of people like Fiona Xie and whatever, which I have because I don't live in a cave, and he said that his boss manages those people.

In my mind I was thinking, "That's nice, but I don't want to be Fiona Xie. She's hot, but I have no boobs and I can't act, so..." But, as if he read my mind, he quickly reassured me, "My boss isn't going to make you a star or anything! Those are just the lucky people."

Well, at least he was honest. He started talking about people that have appeared in TV commercials which is apparently the people that the company manages, which was all great but I didn't know what the fuck that had got to do with me. I'd appear in a print ad if the only thing I have to do is to smile 'cause I can totally smile, but a TV commercial? I'd rather die, thanks. Have I mentioned that I can't act? I'd never be able to live it down in school. But, as was the case with the first person, the guy was really nice, so I just left him my number and took his boss' name card, which is how I managed to find the company's website.

On the bright side, if the law thing doesn't work out, it's nice to know there's possibly something else to fall back on.

Then again, what the fuck, I cannot act, I hate public speaking, I hate talking. My mom has also made jokes/comments about me being a singer 'cause I can kind of carry a tune though my range is non-existent, and I can look the part if given a massive makeover, but what the fuck, I cannot write music, so why bother? I'll admit quite freely that I've fantasised about being famous and it'll be nice to be famous - but if that ever happens, I'd want it to be for something that I'm good at. And since the only thing I'm good at is writing, the only thing I'd ever want to be famous for is writing. Everything else is just tacky fluffy nonsense that I don't care for, and being famous for being good-looking is just the worst of the lot. Maybe it's just me. Whatever.

Okay, I'm going to wrap this up 'cause I'm sleepy, so the third time I was stopped was also the time that I pretty much decided to just be resigned to the real possibility that my love life will forever be made of Teh Suck. I'd just entered Marina Square from the overhead bridge linking One/Two/Whatever Raffles to MS, and out of nowhere this man came up to me and was all, "You look familiar. Did you graduate from NTU?"

OH MY FUCK. WORST PICK-UP LINE EVER. EVER. He was my height, had crooked teeth, wasn't good-looking in any way, shape or form, and worst? Did not speak good English. I kind of wanted to die on the spot. This is roughly how it went:

Me: Uh, no, I didn't graduate from NTU.
Man: Oh, so where are you studying? Are you still studying?
Me: Yeah. I'm in NUS.
Man: What are you studying?
Me: Um, law. (I always feel kind of awkward telling people this because the inevitable 'oh wow that's really impressive!' fawning that will follow is just...damn irritating. I mean what the fuck am I supposed to say to that, "Yeah you know I totally agree. I am totally awesome!"? And feigning humility is just way too hard and I'd rather not bother, so yeah.)
Man: ('Oh wow' look) Wow...you're going to be a lawyer?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Man: You're too pretty to be a lawyer.

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! In the first place, at the most fundamental level, I didn't even know what the fuck that meant. Has he been to law school? Has he looked at the girls that go to law school? I kind of become wallpaper in comparison to that. And who said lawyers cannot be pretty? What the fuck OMG. Way to impress - single-handedly insulting the profession I'm going to be in, for better or for worse. Anyway.

Me: (Uncomfortable, forced laughter)
Man: You should take part in Miss Universe Singapore. They need brains and beauty.

OMG WTF SERIOUSLY I WANTED TO DIE. WHY WOULD I TAKE PART IN MUS. I HAVE NO BOOBS. I HAVE A HUGE-ASS TUMMY. MY THIGHS ARE GETTING FATTER BY THE SECOND. ARE YOU SERIOUS OMG.

Me: (I don't even remember what I said. What was there to say?)
Man: (Something about law or whatever. I can't remember.)

Okay, I can't remember what he said, something about law being strict in Singapore or whatever. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE START RAMBLING RANDOM SHIT ABOUT LAW WHEN THEY FIND OUT I'M IN LAW SCHOOL IN A BID TO HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT. It kind of drives me crazy because I get this urge to correct their misconceptions which will take time that I don't really want to waste on the conversation that will ultimately lead nowhere because I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. So I just stood there and smiled and nodded, resisting my urge to get on my soap box and shit. In the end he finally cut to the chase and asked, "Can I ask you out sometime?"

OMG PLEASE NO.

I said, "I have a boyfriend."

Oh, if only that were true. I never use this line on random males that hit on me because I'm a really bad liar and it just never occurred to me to just say that I have a boyfriend and get rid of the pest - until today. And you know what? He was actually quite undeterred. He asked for my MSN, to which I said that I don't use MSN. Then he asked for my email, and I ran out of excuses to give - so I gave him my NUS email. HAHAHA.

Oh my god. I seriously, seriously don't quite understand what it is with these men that seem to genuinely think that they have a chance. I seriously don't know if I should feel flattered or insulted; I'm seriously veering towards the latter. Why the hell would I go out with just anyone? Why would Just Anyone think that I would possibly want to go out with them? Why would Just Anyone think that they could possibly have a chance in hell in successfully asking me to go out with them? Sorry, even though I'm not, but I'm unapologetic about being utterly snobbish about these things, and I won't go out with a guy whose intellectual capacity doesn't match mine, and I seem to be attracted to guys who are smarter than me - which rules out, quite sadly, at least 95% of Singapore's male population.

Simultaneously, I refuse to go out with a guy who isn't good-looking anymore. In other words, I refuse to go out with a guy whose looks don't match mine, and I don't know, where do average-looking males get the courage to approach girls whom they obviously think are pretty ('cause why approach otherwise, right?)? Okay, I realise it's a bit double-edged 'cause they won't approach said females if they don't think they're pretty, but...have you seen a mirror lately? What about a display window? I am so mean, but I don't care.

My conclusion of the day, therefore, is: I AM GOING TO REMAIN SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Because the guys that actually bother to approach me are those that I'd only date when I'm fucking dead, and the guys that I'm attracted to are the type that will break my heart/not look twice at me/not take me seriously/go for women their age/make me so nervous that I become a complete idiot in front of them/etc. Oh sorry, I think I meant the "men" that I'm attracted to.

It's sad, isn't it? I guess the bright spark in all this is that I genuinely don't give a shit about being single/whatever. I don't want to be with anyone. Going out would be nice, but I don't want to go out with just anyone, and no one I can bear to look twice at has come along, so I'm happy with the status quo. I'm happy being by myself.

So yeah, it's really not sad at all. And okay, maybe I shouldn't be so mean, but...whatever.

My head's hurting so yeah. Yay.

Lastly, I had dinner with this guy whom I haven't seen in five years. He was in Jurong Junior first three months and...yeah, it was just really funny back then. Dinner was very pleasant and it was nice catching up after five years, so it's all good.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010