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Two years later. Can't stop driving; I don't know why So many questions, I need an answer Two years later you're still on my mind I guess the bright side is, I needed the reminders to pull the trigger. Free coffee at Christmas-loving Starbucks, Larry's Jewellery at Paragon, Gucci at Paragon, Paragon, the Concourse. Tiffany's, and my mom making a passing remark about buying a Tiffany's watch; my brother, shoe-shopping at Wisma, and me remembering exactly where to go for men's shoes at Basement 1. I don't know what to say anymore because all the words are spent, trite, useless. It doesn't mean that I don't get a stab of something when I saw the queue for free coffee at Starbucks the other day while going home, walking around Paragon with the family, brushing off my mom's question about how I knew of that shoe shop. But so what? What do I say? What does it matter? It's like a nightmare I haven't woken up from, and the traces of you aren't physical; they're in the relationships that remain inchoate, the words that don't mean anything to me beyond empty dictionary definitions, the thoughtful gestures that I can't bring myself to do. They're in the deafening silence between you and me, the tears that I still sometimes fight back, the confessions that I refuse to verbalise. I carry this load on my shoulders not because I remotely give a shit about your feelings, but because it reveals too much, way too much, about myself. And after you, after you, I just can't anymore. I don't wish for you the way I used to; I've stopped doing that a long time ago. But I do wish for the answers - the answers that I'll never ask for. The why, the how; why did it happen, how did it happen; and why it couldn't have turned out differently. Above all else, why I did this to myself. It's been two years - exactly two years. You're still on my mind. I don't know. Congratulations, I guess? You win this one. You know you've always won.
before sunrise // before sunset
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