Two years later.
written: 10:51 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 07, 2008

90 miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving; I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

I guess the bright side is, I needed the reminders to pull the trigger. Free coffee at Christmas-loving Starbucks, Larry's Jewellery at Paragon, Gucci at Paragon, Paragon, the Concourse. Tiffany's, and my mom making a passing remark about buying a Tiffany's watch; my brother, shoe-shopping at Wisma, and me remembering exactly where to go for men's shoes at Basement 1.

I don't know what to say anymore because all the words are spent, trite, useless. It doesn't mean that I don't get a stab of something when I saw the queue for free coffee at Starbucks the other day while going home, walking around Paragon with the family, brushing off my mom's question about how I knew of that shoe shop. But so what? What do I say? What does it matter?

It's like a nightmare I haven't woken up from, and the traces of you aren't physical; they're in the relationships that remain inchoate, the words that don't mean anything to me beyond empty dictionary definitions, the thoughtful gestures that I can't bring myself to do. They're in the deafening silence between you and me, the tears that I still sometimes fight back, the confessions that I refuse to verbalise. I carry this load on my shoulders not because I remotely give a shit about your feelings, but because it reveals too much, way too much, about myself. And after you, after you, I just can't anymore.

I don't wish for you the way I used to; I've stopped doing that a long time ago. But I do wish for the answers - the answers that I'll never ask for. The why, the how; why did it happen, how did it happen; and why it couldn't have turned out differently. Above all else, why I did this to myself.

It's been two years - exactly two years. You're still on my mind.

I don't know. Congratulations, I guess? You win this one. You know you've always won.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010