if you think you belong enough
written: 12:06 a.m. on Sunday, Dec. 30, 2001

"if you think that you're strong enough

if you think you belong enough...

nice dream."

Doesn't necessarily read that way, but that's how I read it. I feel like I'm suffocating. The void that has been in me for so long now has never been more vast. The reason? School. And something else. Friends, or lack thereof. I mean, I have them. I just. I don't know. The only person who can really understand and listen to me is in Liverpool. Sometimes, I get so sick and tired of Fate yanking my chain and fucking with my head. Sometimes, all I really want to do is to jump off a fucking building and leave it all behind. I don't get it. I don't get the point of working so hard, when all you get in the end is death. I don't get the point of human beings' existence in the world, when one day our race is going to perish (and trust me, it would). I hate being so angst-y, but I'm sorry, I'm just sitting here, feeling like my life is squeezing the life out of me. A while ago my chest/heart actually HURTS.

There is an explanation, a real one, actually I should say a cause, but I don't feel like getting into it right now. All I can say is, I hate my life. There, I've finally said it. I hate my goddamned life, and I want a new one. I hate living in Singapore, I hate going to my school, I hate that my friends are not really mine, I hate that the only person who knows me, really knows me, is in Liverpool. I hate being negative, but I am, so what are you going to do, sue me? I hate my school, but I'm glad to graduate at the end of next year, so that I can leave it all behind. I wish I could do that right now, but my life is mapped out in such a way that it's impossible.

And what is really sad about me is that I need to watch a movie to feel understood. That movie is "Rebel Without A Cause". I have never, ever identified more with a character from a film than I have with Jim Stark. The need to be understood and to belong, and to be loved, and having parents who genuinely care but don't understand and can't guide, god, I truly wonder if my mom sees any of me in Jim when she saw the film. I wonder if she understood Jim, or even Judy and Plato. I wonder if she understands that "Rebel" is fucking timeless, and as long as I'm a teenager, I'm going to identify with it.

I wish James Dean was alive, so that I could thank him for giving me "Rebel Without A Cause", for giving me a character I can relate to with my entire being, for touching me so much that tears form in my eyes whenever I think about the film. And I really wish that I had a different life, that I went to a different school, and had different friends. If you're reading this now, and are someone I know, I apologise, but thank you so much for being there for me. Thank you, truly, with all my heart, for bothering to attempt to talk to me when it looked like I really needed someone. Thank you for listening to my crap, and for being so goddamned self-obsessed. Thank you so much, this has been such a great year. I wish we could do it ALL. OVER. AGAIN.

All hail James Dean.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010