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we're too young to fall asleep
written: 9:42 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 17, 2002

There is this (Malay?) family who lives opposite me. I live in a condo, and my door isn't sound-proof, and that family has this kid, who looks around 7 or so...I've heard him cry at the top of his lungs more than 5 times. He was crying outside just now, and my mom told me that his dad locked him in one of those small storage rooms, you know, those little cells that people used to put broomsticks and stuff like that? If I'm not wrong, 'cause although I've lived here for 4 years now, I go through life with my eyes closed, there are like 3 of those things...I think. And that kid was just shrieking and, I don't know, crying and everything. Can you imagine being locked in a confined space at night, when it's dark? Especially when you're only 7? Discipline is important, sure, but god, talk about crossing the line! It reminded me of "Carrie".

Yesterday I had Maths remedial. I have to attend, because I failed my Maths last year. But there was a Chinese test today, and my teacher said she would be going through the binomal thereom, which I am very familiar with, so I decided to go home, along with a couple of my friends. Shouldn't be a problem, except that the whole class went home. There are about...15 or so who have to turn up for remedial, and all of us went home. My other friend, who is in both Chinese and Maths remedial, said that the teacher went to my classroom yesterday to ask where we were. And this morning another classmate said she actually looked sad...I tell you, it does nothing to ease my conscience. I have the most annoying conscience...I can't pass an old woman on the road selling tissue paper without buying one, nevermind that I don't need it. I remember this one time, when I was at Orchard Road (Singapore's shopping district; everyone goes there) with my friends, and this woman who looked homeless stopped me and asked me if I'd buy two packets of tissue paper. I stopped and dug my wallet out, and asked, "How much?" She said one dollar, but I didn't have any change, so I gave her two. She was so grateful, she was like, "Thank you so much." I don't know, is that a good thing? 'Cause people like me get conned easily. I wish I was made of sterner stuff, really.

But yeah, back to my Maths teacher. This morning in class she reprimanded us, and said something that struck a chord in me enough to make me stay moody for the rest of the day. I'm very dominated by my emotions, so if I'm in a bad mood, the people around me suffer greatly. A few people from another class come to mine to take Chinese, as their classes offer Higher Chinese, and they were in my class sometime over the course of my life, so you could say I'm friendly with them. Today they sat behind me. They came to class, making a huge racket, discussing, very loudly, about who should sit where to copy from whom, and I wasn't in a good mood, so I turned around and snapped, "Can you please shut up?" (Or was it "can you shut up please"?) It was a few minutes before the Chinese test, which I did not study intensively for, and I was stressed already, and their stupid squabblings really did not help much.

From the very first time I mentioned I didn't know what I was doing til now, nothing has changed much in that sense. I'm still half-asleep. And I have all these voices in my head that tell me I'm going the same path I've been on for the past 3 years that had brought me nothing but failure (literally), all these voices, one as strong as the other, and I still don't listen. I don't know what I'm going to do. At the rate I'm going, it would be a miracle if I even graduate.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010