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you pay me no attention
written: 10:40 p.m. on Sunday, Feb. 24, 2002

I should be asleep. I have been extremely angry/upset from the last we talked until about 10. Now I'm just comfortably numb. I feel like I need a lobotomy...or at least some sort of surgery to remove thoughts. I cannot stand being surrounded by my own thoughts all the time anymore. It's driving me nuts, and I mean that in the literal sense. I just want to check myself into a nuthouse and forget everything else. Be as happy as the lunatics in them asylums. Be graded "terminally insane", so that I don't have to take responsibility for my own actions and thoughts. Be strapped in a straitjacket, so that I wouldn't have the ability to inflict harm on others or myself, since lobotomies aren't very common nowadays.

If I can't have that, then give me someone who could calm me. Someone in the form of the opposite sex. I don't even know, I'm all lonely and empty, and all I have is myself, and I hate myself sometimes, and I'm the last thing I need, so something should balance it all out, right? The concept of yin and yang? It should only make sense, but then, nothing ever does.

I don't know what the hell my folks want. I have the ability to write, and they don't even care. They want to see all-rounded good grades. They want to see 6 A1's at the end of this year. They want to see me get into some top 5 junior college. I don't even give a shit about getting A's and going to a top 5 school. I'm only attempting to work towards it because that's what they want. I know I'm not the person they had in mind when they conceived me. I know the perosn I turned out to be isn't who they would lvoe to have. But you know what, dear folks? Too fucking bad! I'm not going to do JACK SHIT to change anything. You either live with me, or without. Put up with my mood swings if you must. I put up with yours all the time. Listen to me when I talk to you. When I say 'no', it means 'no'. It does not mean 'yes'. Don't blame me if you refuse to listen and things go on to fuck up in your face, because I've already made my point loud and clear. You simply refused to listen. And that's really not my freaking problem.

Like it isn't obvious enough...I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now. To make matters worse, silverchair's new album is coming out in July for the rest of the world, when Australia and New Zealand are getting it in April. How's that for fair? I've never really given a shit about things like that, but since it concerns me, I'm very pissed off by it. And that waiter, he's filled my thoughts the entire day. I need to see him again. I'm just so pathetic, aren't I.

Wrote 4 poems in a row. They all suck.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010