the sound of music. and boredom.
written: 7:34 p.m. on Sunday, Apr. 21, 2002

Once again I have nothing to say. This entry is supposed to ease my boredom and bring me some joy, but my hair is long and it's stifling my neck, and it's really hot and I'm quite irritated.

Oh, yeah. My father is in Taiwan because my grandad was hospitalised a few days ago. I took advantage of the situation and slept in my room last night. I have a phone in my room, and I used it to call Gen but his handphone was dead so we couldn't talk.

That sucked, you know. Really sucked.

But I'm seeing him tomorrow, and on Tuesday, so it's not that bad.

Wow. This is all about him. Shit! I don't want to become one of those girls whose lives are all about their boyfriends and they turn into one huge bore. I don't want to be a bore. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind, which, besides thoughts of kissing Gen, isn't much.

I'm thinking I want him to say 'I love you' again. I don't know. I'm just weird like that, I guess. I do hope he isn't confused or frustrated or a little put off by my...request, for lack of a better word as I have been suffering from brain farts since last Saturday, because I never meant any harm. With me passing the note to me letting him kiss me, everything, I don't mean any harm.

I'm just afraid I'd end up hurting him. I'd really hate myself for it because he wouldn't deserve it. I fear hurting him more than being hurt by him, because I can recover (well, I think so anyway) and rebuild, but him? I'm not sure.

Okay, Self, you're thinking too much again. Talk about your hair.

My hair is too long. It's drabby. It's disgusting. I want to cut it, and yet I want long hair. Maybe I'd style it or something. I seriously don't know. The last time I got a haircut, it was a disaster. I wanted this really cool style I saw in the magazine but for some reason it turned out completely different, and completely shitty.

Thought: On Friday Gen told me not to apologise to him (I said sorry for something, I forget what it was). Then I said, "What if I hurt you?"

His reply: "Um, nevermind?"

He is crazy! Isn't that completely mad?

I couldn't help but smile at it.

Just like I couldn't help but smile when he said "I love you".

It still boils down to those 3 words. I still don't know what I want.

Ah, well. Physics test on Tuesday. I have to study, I suppose.

What the hell do I mean, I suppose?! I have to study.

Truth be told, I have been saying that since 5 o'clock and I'm still at the computer. This Internet thing is so addictive.

Like Gen. He is addictive. He is like a drug, like smoking, like all things addictive. You take a taste, and you're left wanting more. I'm addicted to him. He's all I think about. Isn't it obvious enough from the entries? I talk about him all the time, and each time it's the same rehashed bullshit: I can't stop thinking about him, I want to be with him, I want to see him, etc etc etc.

But if I don't, see him, that is, I would go into withdrawal.

We don't want that, now do we?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010