and i saw it last night, just watching it glide from your eyes
written: 7:15 p.m. on Monday, May. 06, 2002

The truth is, I caught my reflection in the mirror that's in the library after I left him, and I saw the bite, and I started smiling to myself. I bet whoever saw me thought I was crazy.

And I think I am. Come this Saturday, I'd know Gen for a month. I confessed today that I want to sleep with him, and he wasn't weirded out by it. He'd do anything I ask of him, sex included.

But then, sex isn't a big deal to him. Rather strange, considering he's a virgin and he'd be losing his virginity to me. It's such a big deal to me, because I'm the girl here, I'd have to worry about getting pregnant, which is the main thing that is stopping me right now, the other being I'm underage. And people make love when they're in love, which is why it's called love-making, and I want that. I don't know, this probably makes as much sense to you as it does to me. I just think it's crazy that I'm the one asking him for sex and not the other way round, because guys supposedly have a higher sex drive than girls, right?

If we'd met in a room with a bed today, I am quite positive I would already have lost my V-card. I was not in a talking mood, so we made out more than we talked. Steering off the subject of sex, I wanted to stay longer but I had to leave at 5.37 because they were opening the restaurant. I was thinking I could leave at 6. As soon as I stepped out of the restaurant I wanted to run back in again and spend the rest of the day with him. I can't get enough of him. He makes me feel like...when he looks at me, I feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. He probably isn't even aware of the effect he has on me. The whole time we made out, I was in this state like I could fall asleep just holding him, just being close to him, and I wouldn't be afraid of anything anymore because he's there. And I wanted to stay like that forever with him, because it's so peaceful and the rest of the world simply fades away.

He has me under this spell that I don't even understand. From the crush that lasts for 2 months to my desire to shed my virginity to him, it's all very strange, very confusing, very new. I felt something when he held me in his arms. I don't know what it is. He wanted to know what was on my mind, and besides the whole "I want to sleep with you" thing, I seriously don't know. Didn't know. I don't know.

It's just kind of perfect. Not completely, because I still have to worry about school (my Chinese O Levels is 3 weeks away, and I haven't studied or anything). He can't make it go away, even though I wish with all my heart that he could.

He's the most perfect thing in my life right now, and I want to tell him how much he means to me, but I'm nervous that he's not gonna be serious about the relationship and I'm just going to end up getting hurt. I don't even know why he's arsed about me, besides the fact that I like him. That was the reason he gave me when I asked why he likes me. It's dumb. But what can I do.

Then again, I don't know why I like him either. He doesn't really match my 'perfect boy' description, and I'm not sure if I should be alarmed at how much I really don't give the slightest fuck, but hey.

I sound like a fool in love, and I make myself sick.

In other news, I failed my Julius Caesar essay test on the quarrel scene between Brutus and Cassius. I'm not too bothered by it as I cannot be the least bothered to be bothered by it anymore. Also, Chinese teacher said we did badly for the prelim.

Why am I not surprised?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010