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song of myself
written: 6:18 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 08, 2002

I was at the Singapore Art Museum (sp?) this afternoon with my class and some other classes for a field trip. God, it was boring. They have this exhibit about life in the sixties, and we were there to view it, and I expected so much more than 2 galleries of clothes, toys and furniture. Firstly, they have a few rooms of modern furnitures designed by some people who either lived in the 1960s and designed them, or was born in the 1960s and designed them much later. I thought it was pointless. I thought the point of the whole thing was to shed some light on how Singaporeans lived their lives like, 40 years ago, and not only did that not happen, I wasted my whole afternoon. Sure, it was fun just hanging out with friends, but at the bloody Art Museum? Sorry, I've got better things to do.

The museum has these sections whereby you have to remove your shoes because it's carpeted, and Yunnie, Pearl and I were at this particular section where they had these jigsaw puzzle-like thingies and you're supposed to use them to form a larger picture. So we sat down and tried to do it, but the thing with the thing is (sorry, that did not make sense), it's one picture duplicated a million times. We couldn't figure out how to do it, and we gave up. Then Pearl gave us a ridiculous and very childish "game" to play. We oh-ah-pei-ah-som-ed (I don't know what it's called in English, but basically you stick out either the palm of your hand or the back of your hand, and the odd one out is the "winner"), and the winner gets to add two of the tiles thing to her stack. It's so stupid. I was laughing throughout the whole thing, and Yunnie had this look on her face like, "Oookay."

The thing with Pearl is that she's genuinely child-like at heart, and sometimes I really envy her because she's so innocent and kind of dense, and she doesn't seem to be affected by the world. It must be a nice place to be.

She also seems quite weirded out by my love bite. I don't get her deal. Yesterday at the Physics lab she had her arm slung around my shoulders. When we were walking back to class with The Athlete, Pearl said to her, "I wanted to hug [insert name], but I saw her love bite and changed my mind."

Of course I heard, and I said, "Why?"

She answered my question by talking to The Athlete, and I couldn't hear her and frankly I was quite irritated, so I couldn't even bothered to do anything. My irritation showed on my face, as Pearl said to me, "Don't be angry."

"I'm not angry," I replied.

"You look angry," she said.

I didn't answer.

Also, Manda told me today this girl who used to be my friend in Primary Six asked her during Art class yesterday what happened to me. She was behind me in the canteen yesterday, and apparently, the bite was "so obvious lor". It really got to me. Because seriously, if she wants to know, she can always ask me. Granted, I would've just stuck my middle finger in her face and ask her to chew on it, but still. Suddenly I became part of the gossip mill, and it's so weird, because I have always kept a low profile around school. Popularity isn't exactly a big thing in my school (i.e. nobody gives a shit), and people know my name, but they don't know about me. And yesterday people I don't even like know I got hitched. So what? It happens. Deal with it. It's not even your business.

Anyway, I really miss Gen, and I found out today that I can't see him anymore this week. I have fucking Chinese oral exam on Friday. It starts at 3. For me, it would end at 3.30 the earliest, and by the time I'm in the area where I usually meet him, it would be 4.30 the earliest. That sucks. Saturday there's some swimming carnival going on that ends at 12, and I have tuition at 1 unless I can shift it to Sunday. And even if I could, I don't know what I'm going to tell my folks to stay out that day. The Chinese O Level exam is in 3 weeks. I have to study.

But I have to see Gen or I'll die. (Okay, not really, but.) I know my grades are my top priority, but Gen comes really close and I miss him so much, and it's so hard to talk with him on the phone because he never picks up when I call him, and when he has the time to call me back, I'm already sleeping.

And I don't know if I'm being cheap by letting him touch me so soon. Cain seems to think so. I don't know, it just feels right, and I want him to anyway. My friends so far haven't commented on the groping part. Yunnie actually asked, "Why didn't you go all the way?" She's crazy. She wants me to touch his dick. Like I can fucking do that! I'm just not that type.

But seriously, I'm beginning to get worried that he's gonna take me for granted or something, or that I'm going to get in too deep and he doesn't feel the same way, or something tragic like that. I'm just waiting for disaster to materialise because so far, I have to expect things I care for to fuck up in my face and turn to shit, because that is the story of my life. But I have sung this tune so many times that I am beginning to seriously bore myself, so I shan't talk about it further.

Question: Am I acting like, you know, a slut? Am I being cheap because I let Gen, who confirmed on Monday that he is my boyfriend and vice versa (though I still have to adjust to that), touch me in a sexual way?

I drive myself crazy sometimes with the constant thinking, but what can I do.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010