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every place i go i think of you
written: 6:19 p.m. on Friday, May. 10, 2002

First. I had my Chinese oral exam, which comprises of reading and conversation. Like, you're supposed to read a passage aloud, and after that you'd be given two topics, one current local event, another just about anything, and you'd be asked to comment on it. God, I did like shit. There were quite a number of words in the passage that I couldn't read, and when I did the actual reading I kept stumbling over certain parts and paused at all the wrong places. One of the conversation topics was Singaporeans' reaction to be interviewed by a TV crew. They automatically shy away from the camera, and basically act like idiots. The teacher asked me what could be done to rectify this. How the hell am I supposed to know?!?! I paused for so long because I didn't know what to say and thankfully, she prompted me again so I said, "Students should speak up in class when the teacher asks them something." In Mandarin, of course.

Like that isn't enough, I totally forgot how to say 'recycle bin' in Chinese. The other topic was on Singaporeans' attitude towards protecting the environment. I remember the first word, so I was like, "Zai................................" (The first word.) I almost wanted to say 'recycle bin'. I also forgot 'Environment Society' in Mandarin. The teacher went through this in class before, but I wasn't arsed to remember the right term because I thought I'd automatically shelf it away in my head, but the phrase didn't come to me. It could very well be because all I ate up til then was a piece of chocolate cake. I took the exam at like 4 p.m. I skipped recess and didn't have time for lunch, so I was all light-headed and out of it, and of course I'd do like shit. Oh well.

I wanted to meet Gen today because I have to talk to him face-to-face. I thought I could leave at 3.30 and meet him at 4.30, but I finished at 4.30. Of course, I SMS-ed him to tell him I can't see him today. I used Pearl's phone and called him on her phone, but he didn't pick up, so I sent the message. Then he called back. Since it's Pearl's phone, she had to talk to him and vice versa, right?

God, you should've seen the look on Pearl's face when she handed me the phone. She and The Athlete were there, and the whole time I was talking to him, they were watching me like a hawk.

I should say that The Athlete has some serious issues about my relationship with him, more specifically the way I'm handling it. She thinks I'm giving in to him way too much, because I'm always the one going down to meet him, and he never calls me, and things like that. She said today in class that I should make him come up to meet me after school sometime. She also thinks I should play hard to get a little, lest he takes me for granted.

And Pearl gave me that look because he can't pronounce my name. God. My name is Chinese. He doesn't even speak the language, and any non-Chinese speaker should know that Chinese is difficult to pronounce. I'm not too bothered about the name thing, because seriously, what's in a name? But what The Athlete said to me, I'm quite bothered. Not in the sense that I hold it against her, because I don't. I'm just worried that she may be right.

To reiterate, I am new at this and I don't know the appropriate attitude towards taking the initiative to call that person. Gen can't call me, how the hell can he call the house? What if Daddy Dearest picks up? I'd be skinned alive, for sure. But I really have no idea how I'm supposed to go about doing this. Before any of my friends shared their opinions with me, I thought it was fine. I called him whenever I feel like hearing his voice or talking to him, and it was fine. Come tomorrow, I would've known him for a month, and already I'm starting to feel a little confused about this, like I have lost my bearings and can't get back on track.

Oh yeah, before I forget, Yunnie said he sounds like a jerk. I forget what I said, but I got quite defensive. Actually, I get defensive whenever someone says something negative about him. Especially someone who doesn't know him like I do, which is basically everyone. And my mother thinks I'm some type of educated elite just because I'm currently in secondary school, one of the best in the country, and she thinks he's not good enough for me. What a total load of cod. He's an A-level graduate, and who said everyone has to conform to the university-route?

And the way my mom talks, it's as if she's expecting us to get married tomorrow or something. It's so crazy, because I'm not even in love with him, a fact that shocked The Athlete and prompted her to say, "[insert name], I never knew you were like that, I am so disappointed in you!" I was like, "Why?" And she said she thought I was the independent type.

I was actually afraid of getting involved with Gen, because I was afraid the relationship may change me. A few days later, I dismissed that fear as being totally unfounded, but now I'm not too sure.

But really, how does one act in a bloody relationship? Why is it so wrong for me to go down to see him when I live just nearby? Why are my friends doing this to me? Why are they making me doubt the one thing that was good in my life? They are turning into my mom, I swear.

Speaking of whom, she was totally horrified when I said one day I may go see a movie with Gen. She was like, no, you can't do that! It's so dark in there, who knows what you'd do?

Isn't the movies where people go on dates? Isn't it public? Wouldn't there be people around? Wouldn't I be totally focused on the film and not Gen? (That depends on the movie, but hey.)

She worries too much.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010