you don't know the truth
written: 8:17 p.m. on Tuesday, May. 28, 2002
Well, almost, but more about that later, if I remember. Oh, I'm finally online! How I miss you, piece-of-shit computer! No matter how much your shitness may piss me off, I still love you! You are the answer to my life!
Moving on now. I went out with Gen today and we watched Spider-Man. Hate to announce, but nothing went on. At all. We held hands throughout the whole thing, and that was it. I'm glad in a way that he didn't try to make out with me, because it would be too weird as the theatre was almost full, and that I really like the movie and I would want to concentrate on it. At one point of time though he brought my fingers up to his lips, and he kissed them, and it was so nice that I didn't want him to let go. I didn't tell him that though. I realise now that I cannot really verbalise my thoughts. And I have so many thoughts that I forget what I was thinking about. Gen wanted to know what I was thinking, and I would love to tell him, but my problem is that, like I said, I cannot verbalise my thoughts and half the time I can't remember what I was thinking about anyway. And the things that I do remember thinking about are too awkward to say in a public place, because they're too heavy and I would have to be someplace private with him to tell him what's on my mind.
Anyway, we waited outside the cinema and sat on the sofas thingy provided. He put his arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder, and it was nice. It was so nice. Such a wonderful feeling. I wish I could stay that way forever with him, just the two of us, not talking, not thinking, just being.
Oh yes. Guess what. On our way up to the ticket booth, which is on the 4th or 5th floor, I passed The Ex-Best Friend. I saw her, and immediately went, "Oh god." It was loud enough for anyone to hear. She had her classmates with her and one of them was like, she was just staring at me, or at Gen, whatever. I just looked away as if I didn't recognise them. But of course I did. They were in their bloody school uniform. (I brought a change of clothing, which is why Gen could hold my hand in public.) I cannot believe it. The Ex-Best Friend is the last person in the world I'd want to run into. It's not that I am ashamed to be seen with Gen or some stupid shit, because believe me, I'm anything but. It's just that she's gonna talk. She's gonna ask questions, and people are gonna talk about me, and I don't like it when people talk about me. It's just like...why her, of all people? She probably heard my "oh god", but you know what, asshole? I don't even care!
I don't know why I'm wasting my energy and Internet time typing about this rubbish. Anyway. Yunnie and Pearl went specially to the place where I met Gen just to see him. I was tying my shoelace and they suddenly appeared, and he was standing to one side, and god, I tell you, that entire encounter was just so strange. They didn't even say hi to him or anything. He didn't say hi to them either. I didn't have the chance to do proper introductions as they left like, 3 seconds later. Talk about awfully weird. I was left feeling strange after that.
Something is strangely amiss. It's neither materialistic nor characteristic. There is just something missing between us. Conversation. That's what's missing.
But I don't really feel like elaborating right now.
I felt sad last night and I cried. My mom thought it was because I was nervous about the exam. Possible, but there's something else. I was just feeling so sad, like the world had ended and I was the only one left. I didn't know why. I still don't know.
I read "The Catcher In The Rye". I can't believe I finished it, as I usually don't read classics, or contemporary literature, or whatever. But I loved the book. I'm going to buy my own copy.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010