candy in the sun
written: 5:20 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 24, 2002

As you can see, I've been swearing a lot these few days, for some reason. I've always had the habit of swearing but never this much, not even mentally. These few days, in my head, I'm like, "God-FUCKING-dammit! Where the fuck is the fucking bus??!?!?!"

Something like that. And it's not like I can help it. I don't realise what I'm about to think until I think it, and I'm not a very verbal person so it's not like I offend anyone, and even if I do, it's not like 1) they bother to tell me and 2) I care.

Anyway, I had a shitty Physics test today. That subject is the worst of the worst, I tell you. It's full of shit that I don't understand. I mean, is it even in English? I have to read one paragraph about pressure in gases ten times before I understand what the fuck it's on about. Even so, my understanding lasts for about a minute, and then I forget it again. And today's test was on sixteen chapters. That is one and a half years' worth of work. Of course I'm going to fail it. I always do that anyway, so who's surprised?

Also had a Chemistry practical test. I think Chem prac is fun as you get to heat stuff and see the substance turn colour or whatever, except for the part where you test for ammonia gas because it's just foul, but then, half the time, I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing. I didn't know what I was doing today either. I just did whatever the paper told me to do and wrote down what I observed. And I broke a test tube. I held it in the test tube holder and I shook it, and all of the sudden, the damn thing slipped from the holder and broke on the table, just like that. So my experiment was ruined. But it was only adding distilled water to Solid P, and can I just add that the solution felt like soap and was completely disgusting and had a pH value of 8.5, which means it's alkaline?

I'm supposed to write a composition for English and the topic I've chosen is "Please don't leave me!" I've written about a page of it, and now I'm blocked, which is simply awesome because the mark is gonna be recorded which means I have to finish it or else. I don't even have a plot. The first thing that came to mind was that the girl in the story kenna pregnant by her boyfriend and her boyfriend decides to dump her, so she cries, "Please don't leave me!" For some reason though I can't make myself write it. It's just not right. I let my friends read what I've got so far today, and Yunnie said it reminded her of my relationship with Gen.

And that is exactly it. I based everything on me and Genie, and I don't want the guy to be the scumbag. Why should guys always be the scumbag? This dumb plot makes me feel compromised, somehow. It makes me feel phony. It makes me feel like I've no business writing something like that when I haven't been anywhere close to the experience.

And anyway, a pregnancy story is sooooo unoriginal.

Sometimes I think writing sucks because everyone expects you to do well but sometimes, all you really want to do is to write rubbish and hand it up so that you don't have to deal with it anymore.

Or maybe it's just me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010