oh how i want you to know me
written: 6:43 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 21, 2002
I always let things slide as I hate confrontations and do what I can to avoid them, but sometimes it gets hard. When it gets hard, I don't care anymore.
I think again that I will be out of my current school in about two months. I will no longer see half the people I know, and right now, I cannot be more glad.
For a while, the greatest attraction in graduating is that I can say 'fuck you' to my friends and not have to worry about facing them in school. I have wanted to say 'fuck you' for so long, so much more before, less now, but just recently, the urge has returned.
It's not like they don't have excess to this diary. It's not like I told them not to read it. It's not like they don't know that I don't tell them things unless they ask.
It's not like the Big Divide has not happened before. Do people not learn from mistakes? Do they not learn from history?
Do they not care anymore? Then why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep expecting things that I should not expect, and only to be disappointed time and time again?
(This is not about Gen, by the way. Obviously.)
I don't know if I'm angry, because I'm light-headed from hunger. I had the urge to talk to somebody, anybody, but didn't act on it as I didn't have anyone to call. Of course, I can pick out a random number in my Mom's cellphone and dial, but I don't want the other party to be like, "Oh. Okay. Um."
Jesus Christ, right now I don't give a fuck who's reading. Neither do I care if I'm going to offend anyone. If it hasn't occured to you that I'm talking to you, wow man, you are really stupid.
My confession was so personal and private, and I posted it for the world to see. It's such an irony that the ones who respond are the ones who hardly know me.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010