you're nothing but dirt. just dirt.
written: 5:11 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002

I am convinced that I am doomed to eternal suck-nation (as opposed to damnation, get it?) when it comes to my life.

Okay, I'm being dramatic on purpose, but get this. Tomorrow is Thursday, am I not right? I was supposed to meet Gen tomorrow so that we -- I, actually -- can talk about stuff. So I called him soon as I got home to tell him that I'd be seeing him, and we chatted for a while before I hung up and called my mom. When I called my mom, guess what she proposed? That tomorrow, she'd bring me to get a dress. For graduation. She sounded really weird and stressed, so I couldn't do anything but agree. I had to cancel on Gen and he was like, "Shit!"

Exactly how I feel. I'm apparently having revision for three weeks in school starting from next week, which means I wouldn't have time to sort things out and tell him how I feel about things.

I know, that was phrased badly but I skipped lunch and today just sucked. I shouldn't even have went to school. It was a total waste of time. From 7.45 or so to 10.30 we sat in the drama studio and rotted. Absolutely rotted. Then after recess some guy from the National University of Singapore came to talk to us about courses available at the NUS, and 3 other people from the Singapore Polytechnic talked about their respective courses which I have no interest in (some Science thing and IT - stimulating stuff), and the NUS guy basically focused on stupid shit like engineering and business and, of course, the sciences, and addressed his attention to Law for like, five minutes. I'm actually interested in doing Law, for chrissake.

That whole shit I just typed ended at about 1.45. During the exam period I would've been home or almost home by then. Today my class and two other classes had to check the ECA records. The damn teacher sure took her time with coming to the drama studio. She was supposed to be there at 2.10 but arrived at 2.20. I left the school at 2.36. Reached home at 4. No time for lunch.

They should just GIVE ME A BREAK as I'm FUCKING GRADUATING. I don't WANT to do revision in school. I don't want to wake up at fucking 6 in the fucking morning and reach home at 4, and miss fucking lunch everytime. I'd rather have exams, I swear to god. At least I got to leave the damn school early.

I intended to go out with my friends after school but I didn't, because 1) it ended so late, and 2) they were going for Japanese food, and I hate Japanese food. I don't care what they say, I hate the taste, and that is it. I don't make a big production out of it. It was like, "Hey where are you all going? For what? Japanese food? Oh. Okay, I'm not going then."

Actually, I don't know my point. My stomach is doing funny things that involve a lot of rumblings and occasional cramping, and I'm feeling quite light-headed. Oh, and it's almost five. Great. This whole day was wasted. I'm cutting school on Friday. I'd do it tomorrow, but one of the junior colleges that I have my eye on will be giving a talk in school so I have to go.

I actually planned to cut school so that I can be with Gen. I'm feeling more affectionate towards him now. I don't know why. Don't know what happened, either. Again, I gave no indication that I thought anything unusual (or maybe not, as he knows I think all the time about stupid things). I did my usual thing where I complain lengthily to him about school, and he told me he's having an exam today, which is weird as I can't picture him doing anything related to school. I know he's a student, but somehow, he's always going to be that gorgeous waiter I couldn't get my mind off for months before I finally did something about it. And I don't know, after knowing him and after this whole relationship happened, Gen as the gorgeous waiter and Gen as my gorgeous boyfriend seem to be two different people. I know it doesn't make any sense, but that's just how it is to me.

I thought I could see him tomorrow and get the talking shit done and over with, so that I can concentrate on getting really good grades for the O Levels, but I guess that has to wait. As everything in life. Silverchair was right when they said the only thing to do in life is to "hurry up and wait".

Then again, they said that's how the music business is, when it comes to tours and the like, but I think it can be applied to daily life.

Don't expect me to elaborate. I don't want to.

And before I go make myself tea, I'm GRADUATING, and I don't want to graduate hating the stupid school, so I really do wish they'd quit wasting my time. I mean, I don't hate it, exactly, but I do dislike it tremendously, especially when they do that shit where they go, "I'm not asking for your opinions" when the students groan at some ludicrous crap they'd come up with for us, or when they say, "That is not discipline", when the students ACT LIKE HUMAN BEINGS and talk while teachers take attendance during assembly. The whole authority thing is full of shit and I resent it. I resent it very much. Today, for instance, during the boring talks, my friends were relaxing and talking to ourselves quietly in one corner, and the head monitor came up and asked us to "face the front", quote unquote. It just pissed me off. I mean, like I give a fucking fuck what post you hold. I don't care at all. It doesn't impress me. Like hell, I didn't even vote your fucking ass in. I don't even LIKE you. Just because you wear a damn tie doesn't mean you have the right to boss me around. I hate being bossed around, I really do. Am I afraid of you? No, I'm not. In fact, I'd tell you exactly where I think you can put your 'holier-than-thou' attitude just because you wear a stupid tie and which hole you can shove it up if you won't take it so damn personally and go crying to the stupid faggot we have for a discipline master and get ME into trouble, just because I loathe your attitude and actually bother to tell you about it. I mean, some of them really has to know. They act as if they own the bloody school, when in fact the rest of them are just like us. When they graduate, they're nothing. So, okay, they have the 'prefect' and 'monitor' thing on their certificate or whatever, but wow, big fucking deal. I was a monitor in Primary One, isn't that great? Honestly, once you're out of the school, you're nothing. You're just one of us again. You've fallen from grace, and I'm happy for you, because you were never graced in the first place.

Despite all that, I have to clarify that I like the head prefect because she is a nice girl. Hey, I voted for her. Of course I'd like her.

Making myself tea now. Long rant, I know. Long entry, I know. Different tone, I know. I'm just like that.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010