let's tango
written: 12:33 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 04, 2002
I'm not the slightest bit nervous about the exams, even though I should be. I don't know jack shit about Physics, I can't multiply decimals without a calculator, my mathematical skills are pathetically atrocious, and yet it doesn't bother me. I don't know if it's good or bad. Good, because I won't panic during the exam itself and develop a brain block. Bad, because I'm overly complacent and I assume that I'd score a nice distinction without intensive studying.
Which will not happen, but do I listen? Of course not. The original plan was to become a nerd for the whole of October. It's November already and I'm still relaxing like nothing's going on.
On the other hand, my school is this crazy place that sets killer exam papers. It's a well-known fact that the O Levels are usually easier. Hopefully, it would 1+1=0 easy. Or at least, differentiate a quadratic equation in terms of x and x alone, without any irritating trigonometrical functions shit involved easy, and without square roots and cube roots and the like.
Maybe it's sort of numbness. Maybe I'm secretly scared. Maybe I'm just not thinking about it. But I know that I'm quite excited to graduate from secondary school and move on to higher learning.
Okay, I lied. I am excited, yes, but not excited about junior colleges or polytechnics or what shit. I want December. I want to have fun and to play and to watch movies, a lot of movies, until I get sick and until my eyes hurt. I want to spend time with Gen. I still haven't talked to him about the serious stuff. I want to do a lot of things after the exams, and that's what I'm excited about.
I don't care about the bloody A Levels or whatever I'd be doing next year. I want to get out of Singapore. Singapore will always be too small for me, too stagnant and oppressing. I need to see the world before I settle down. I need to be with many different people before I'm satisfied, before I can feel that I have lived a decent and fulfilling life. I need to watch a live rock concert. I need to go to New York. I need to attend film festivals.
And most importantly, I need a way out of this place! First ticket to New York City, and I'd take it! My father is deadset on his notion that arts courses are a dead end, but I'm not bothered by it right now. Maybe I'm naive, but money is immaterial. My experiences are what would ultimately count. I'd rather be poor in material wealth and rich in worldliness, you bet.
I feel like the future is waiting for me to invade, to terrorise and to embrace, and I can't wait. I'm tired of endless examinations that are ultimately meaningless, and the dumb studying that comes with it. The formula here is memorise, score an A, and forget. What's the point?
I think one day, I would step in front of a moving car and jump away at the very last second, just to experience the thrill. I've always been a reckless road-crosser. I'd cross a road without hesitation, even if there is a huge bus approaching, and I'd stare at the windshield of the vehicle with a small smile on my face as I walk away. It's fun. Really. It's like, come and get me, I'm not afraid of you, because I can out-walk you by THIIIS much.
Obviously, I always get away with it, because I have such long legs and I walk really fast. Yeah. I don't know what I'm typing anymore. I always grab the quickest and most convenient tangent and run with it. Oh well. My head hurts. I'm tired of the Singapore education system. If I ever have kids, I'd send them to Am-meh-li-kah to study.
The future awaits, and it is a long tunnel that has its exit blocked off, but it doesn't matter because it is illuminated by bright lights every step of the way.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010