take me further on our runaway train
written: 1:47 p.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 03, 2002

My layout is purple. My layout isn't mine. I didn't design it. I took it off a design site. I was up til the wee hours of the morning today trying to look for a nice one but I got tired so I took this one.

Also, I have finally posted my Mitsui thingy on fanfiction.net. I'd Confront the Stars Tonight. Pretty stupid title, even though I took it from a Bush song and I quite like it. The line, that is.

I've observed a trend between Japanese comics and homosexuality. For some reason, fans like to write about homosexuality between certain characters whom, truth be told, wouldn't even go near each other in the show. A lot of shit on ff.net pair Rukawa with Sakuragi, which is like, what the fuck? They hate each other's guts! Another popular pairing is Mitsui and Kogure, which is also strange. I just can't see it happening. I mean, Mitsui is so...Mitsui. He's mine. And Kogure is a nice guy, really peace-loving and sweet but Mitsui and him?! No way! Rukawa and Sendoh together is kinda sweet though. I don't know.

Anyway, there's something I need to do that I've been putting off for a few months. My instinct told me to do so from the very beginning but I was too stubborn to listen to it. That, or I blamed it on PMS. Now I'm listening, and Instinct is speaking loud and clear. I know what I have to do. I just don't want to do it.

I can't remember why I wanted a boyfriend so damn much. Two incidents that happened at Malacca made me realise that it's the initial mystery that's attractive. Looking is fine. Smiling is great. Just leave me alone. I don't want to get to know a gorgeous guy. I don't want to get to know anybody. Because talking, contact, interaction, it shatters the initial mystery and that enigmatic person becomes just another face on the street. And how can I let just another face on the street into my life? I can't. Somehow, I have an issue with getting close to people. I don't know where it stemmed from. It's a part of me, and it's a handicap, because when it comes to displaying emotions without words, I'm retarded.

I have a problem with human interaction. I mean, I can do the laughing thing and the fun thing, but when it comes to a heart-to-heart, I completely clam up. I can't talk about things that are important, things that I feel. I can tell you my opinion on George W. Bush and the state of the world today, but I can't tell you how I feel about a particular person, how I seriously feel. It's easier to joke than to be honest. Joking doesn't leave you completely wide open with the possibility of salt being rubbed into your wounds, but honesty does.

And how do I deal with all these? I deal by the cowardly way. I don't think about it.

I simply run away.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010