you say, 'jump.' i say, 'how high?' you say, 'as high as the sky. but you're going solo.'
written: 12:44 a.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2002
Radiohead's The Bends reminds me of late last year when I didn't know what to do with my school work. When I play it now I get visions of me writing dilligently in my diary, the one nobody gets to read except myself. Most of the songs I quoted in that particular diary, number 20-something, were from Radiohead. Specifically, they were from The Bends.
Silverchair's Neon Ballroom, arguably (sp) one of the most important and artistic albums ever made, reminds me of teenage angst. Silverchair got me through the darker periods of my life, when, for some reason, I truly believed I was suicidal. Neon Ballroom is a symbol for everything that is dark and depressing, and at the same time, because it is dark and depressing, it is a source of comfort. Daniel Johns tells you that it is okay to harbour negative feelings, that it is okay to be depressed. The 14-year-old me needed that when others were telling her otherwise.
When I'm older and wiser and when I look back on the 'golden years', when I look back at this period, the now, I don't know what songs would I associate with it. I hardly play music anymore. I don't know why. I used to find comfort in music but now I find solace in writing. Yet, I hardly write, apart from this journal and my Slam Dunk fanfiction, which I admit isn't really doing too well. I'm talking about poetry, for it is what I seek comfort in. Poetry to me is like oxygen to human beings. I cannot describe the incredible feeling of release, of an artistic release that makes you proud of yourself amidst intense self-hatred and self-pity. Poetry makes things less confused. Perhaps that is why I need it.
One of the major highlights of Rebel Without A Cause is the scene in which Jim Stark pleads for his father to stand up for him, right after the chickie race and when Jim's mother freaked out about her son's involvement and declares that they are moving. It is a key scene not only because James Dean's performance was heart-achingly realistic, and also because of the confusion on display by Dean. To me, confusion provides the entire basis for the movie. Director Nicholas Ray once said that the movie is about, and I quote, "a kid who just wants one day in his life when things are not confused". I read it in a Dean biography and immediately, it struck a chord, because I have discussed confusion with my good friend Claire only a few days or so prior to reading that part of the book.
One of the many things I remember in my emails with Claire is that she, too, relates to James Dean and Jim Stark. She relates to the confusion that comes with being a teenager, because half the time, nobody really understands, not even yourself. Claire is a precious soul, but she doesn't believe it. The confusion for her is heavier than it is for me, but we both have our demons, and we get each other. That is the most important thing and the best thing about our friendship.
But that was, sadly, in the past. (Sorry, I should've used the past tense but I'm still partially in denial.) These few months for me have come with more confusion than I've ever felt in all my sixteen years added up together, and I have not talked to anyone about anything, save for this journal.
So what does it say about me? That Rebel Without A Cause is right. James Dean was and is still right. "You're tearing me apart."
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010