who cares about fucking short descriptions?
written: 4:44 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 13, 2002
Inside though I just want to cry. I went to sleep crying last night and I woke up crying this morning. And I don't even understand why. I mean, think about it. I wanted it, didn't I? And I've finally done it. I should be happy.
But I'm not. I feel like something is missing. And for whatever reason, there's a void now where Gen used to be.
Shit, writing his name brings on a fresh attack of tears. I've managed to stop them pretty well by writing my Rukawa thingy but I've lost Kaede-kun as well. I mean, I gave him a sappy love story. What was I thinking?
Yes Yelen, what were you thinking? You shouldn't have left him there like that. It was so cold and callous. You should've explained coherently. Weren't you picked best speaker in class in English a few months ago? Some fucking 'best speaker', eh? You should've written a speech then, when you knew your mouth is going to fail you.
You're so fucking stupid. I'm so ashamed to know you.
Yesterday I walked all over the Esplanade, trying to find myself back. I cried over a guy and that isn't who I am. I thought going to the Esplanade would help. But it didn't. I walked to some park and with every ten steps I walked, I dropped a tear.
It was pathetic. I stopped in front of the Singapore River and watched the small tides crash against the rocks. I wanted to be those rocks. I wanted to be the tides. I wanted to be the trees. I wanted to be the jogger who ran past me, doing a double take as he took in my swollen eyes. I wanted to anything, anybody. I just didn't want to be me.
My mom's office wasn't far away and a few times, I thought of calling her to get me so that I could cry to somebody.
But as the story of my life goes, I didn't.
I don't know why I feel the need to depend on myself. Yunnie msn-ed me to check on me as she read the diary entry, and she was concerned, and I should've taken that as a cue to unload but I didn't. Cain emailed me to ask how I'm doing. Again I should've talked about it, but I didn't. Emailed him back with a lie. Said some shit about me being okay. About how I don't want to talk about it.
Well I'm talking about it now, am I not? And I'm so far from okay. The lump in my throat is getting bigger with every word and I'm so angry. I'm angry at him for not putting up a fight, for not saying anything to change my mind. I'm angry at myself, above everything else, for being me. For being so fucking stupid. For shedding these useless tears over something I wanted. For crying over a guy after I broke up with him.
Have you ever met someone half as stupid as I am? Half as retarded? I don't think so. I win the title for being the dumbest person in the world.
Someone just give me my fucking crown.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010