maybe i'm confused
written: 12:37 a.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002

Secondly, they're meeting at the place where Gen and I broke up. I may be feeling better but I'm not ready to go back to the scene of crime. I'm not ready to even speak with him yet. I don't want to look at the bench where we sat on because it would affect me, and I wouldn't bother to hide it, so then I'd ruin everyone's fun and they'd be asking questions and I don't want to face any of it just yet, or ever, because my life is none of their business. They're classmates. Nothing more.

When Pearl called to ask me if I was going, I said no. She was like, why? And what was I supposed to say, exactly? I couldn't possibly tell her anything over the phone. It was too much and my brother was right there and he could hear every word.

And my darling friend simply had to go on and whine, "Why you like that one?"

(Rough translation: Why are you such a spoilt sport?)

I know it's not her fault that she doesn't know but I have my reasons. I mean, being a friend, she should know that I don't like going out with a whole gang of people. Firstly, it's pointless. Secondly, it's pointless. Thirdly, did I mention it's pointless?

She should know that much.

My brother overheard the conversation. Heard me mentioning the place they're meeting at. So yesterday evening he was harping to my mom about how I'm going to that place today, blah blah, and he kept repeating the name of the place, and I got pissed and I snapped at him.

He was like, "You're going to [insert name of place] tomorrow, right? Mommy, Yelen is going to [insert name of place] tomorrow!"

And my mom: "Why are you going to [insert name of place]?"

So I snapped, "I'm not going anywhere!"

And my brother's reaction: "Why is Yelen so fierce?"

Every single thing seems to remind me of him. I can't even watch Slam Dunk in peace now, because they keep showing the Who Dares Win adverts during the commercial breaks. Who Dares Win reminds me of him because we watched it together (and he commented that the female host has a hot body). The word 'restaurant' reminds me of him. Food reminds me of him. Writing about pizza in my Rukawa fic reminded me of him.

And then, of course, there's the whole crap with the class outing and the scheduled meeting place and classmates calling me up to tell me where to meet and I have to hear the name of the place, the exact spot, the MRT station, and I can't take it.

That's why I'm not going to the outing tomorrow.

I mean, today.

I'm just glad it's not a place I frequent. Even though the mall near my house holds some memories as well.

I don't know, but I think I gotta make it up somehow. I left him alone because I was too cowardly to properly deal with it, and it was a cold brush off. He didn't even want me to touch him. And he did mention that he was considering going back to his country. Which means I'd never see him again. I don't want that. He's my first boyfriend. I don't want things to just end like that.

I don't know what to do. I've proven time and again that I can't do the face-to-face talking thing. I can't talk over the phone either. And if I do write a letter, where the hell do I send it? And what if I lapse into my pretentious English again?

I don't know. It'd so much easier if he were the one who broke up with me. At least then I'd have a legitimate reason to hate him and not feel bad about it.

To change the subject, I'm starting school in a few weeks. I don't know where I've posted to. Hopefully it's somewhere near my house. of course I'd love to go to Hwa Chong but my results wasn't exactly fabulous. So I don't stand a chance.

Then again, I don't really give the slightest fuck. Whatever. I mean, post-secondary, pre-university education don't really mean jack shit to me. I'm getting my stuff together in New York and I'd be ready for whatever entrance exams or scholarship interviews or whatever they'd throw at me. I am convinced it's where I have to go and I think my passion will shine through and save me.

That is, when it comes to interviews. I'm thinking of taking the TOEFL test just to see how I fare, but I have to pay like US$110, which is a lot of money. I don't really think it's worth it. But my mom's colleague's daughter took the test after the O Levels and she got into some American college, just like that. Of course, she obtained a high score but it's kind of understood, isn't it?

I don't know. Who cares. All I'm concerned about right now is where my mother would take me on Wednesday. I so don't want to go to my grandma's. It's boring there.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010