end of the road
written: 4:47 p.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003

First. There's a possibility that school may be closed for another week as the SARs situation is getting more and more serious (4 dead, 91 infected). I was dying to get back to school before, but really, I wouldn't mind another one week at home. It means another one week of late-night writing. I have been so goddamn productive these few days that I'm absolutely loving it.

I mean, yes, all I've written thus far are Slam Dunk fanfics but you should see the amount of effort and time and energy I put into those things! They are my babies, my pride and joy and I haven't written so much in such a short span of time for such a long, long time. Secondary school basically sucked me of my creative juices, sad to say, and it's great to be writing again. Especially writing into the early morning. I love that.

Second. Now this is something that may just make whoever's been following my Mr. Nerd um, adventures (for lack of a better word) sit up and pay attention. I sent him a survey out of boredom and surprise of all surprises, he replied. He actually replied. As usual, I took the mickey out of him by typing back a mock newspaper article with a headline that goes something like, "MR. NERD FILLED OUT AN INTERNET SURVEY" and basically mocked him for being Mr. Nerd. It was quite fun.

That's not the point. The point is this. He likes somebody else. He's going after another girl.

And that girl isn't me.

Which means I have no chance with him, in this life or the next.

How do I feel about this?

Immediate reaction, to protect self, is, of course, woo-hoo. Do I even fucking care?

But honestly? There was that smallest jab disappointment. A little bit of jealousy. And that ever-present question of 'why me', but in this case: "Why not me?"

I've always known that he doesn't like me as anything more than a friend. But then, he's never rejected me either, but how can he, when I never told him that I liked him?

And that "I'm going after this girl" thing was... yeah. All the things I described it as.

Otherwise? I'm okay. I'm not going to cry over this. I've never cried over a guy and I'm not going to start. I'm not even all that wounded. I'm not even all that bothered.

Things like that... just a small blemish on otherwise flawless skin.

And come on Yelen, face the facts. Mr. Nerd is just that. Mr. Nerd. He's in the Science stream. He slammed the Drama Fest and called it 'crap' without even seeing it. Your words don't move him.

And he doesn't do much for you either. He doesn't make you blush because he understands the emotions embedded somewhere so deep inside that nobody will ever get to see it. He doesn't blow your mind with poetic phrases and hallucinatory words, because he's not a writer. He's not an artist. He's not a romantist.

He's nothing. Nothing but a friend that amuses you to no ends and will help you out to the best of his ability when you get into jams.

And you should just keep it at that.

Maybe I'll hold a burial for my now-defunct crush.

Or maybe not. How much of my sanity do I have to erode just to amuse myself? It's crazy.

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

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before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010