you do it to yourself, you do. that's what really hurts.
written: 2:51 p.m. on Friday, Apr. 11, 2003
It's probably really stupid to skip school due to a sprained ankle. But you cannot imagine the pure elation I felt last night when my mother came into my room and went, "Okay, you can stay home tomorrow."
Has it only been a few days ago that I was dying to go back to school? And why? Because I was bored at home? Talk about being painfully naive! Right now I'd trade boredom with the immense tiredness I felt yesterday in a heartbeat. I was so drained by the time I got to the afternoon classes that I could barely keep myself awake. Of course, sleeping late again due to temporary insomnia didn't help, but I've never felt that tired in school for a long, long time.
Yesterday just seemed to drag on and on and on, like a broken record that nobody is bothered to fix. Events in the morning felt as if they happened the day before. And when I was in my last lecture for the day (some crap on project work), I could barely keep my eyes open. And it didn't help either that the fucking air-con in LT5 wasn't working.
It's hard to be a nerd all of a sudden when you've been a slacker for the better parts of your life. I wish I haven't set all these expectations and aims for myself, because I'm not sure anymore if I can fulfill them. I've only attended one day of proper lessons and already I feel like I can just die from the workload, the lectures that don't make sense and my own desire to, once again, slack off and say 'to fucking hell with school.'
I can't do that anymore, not if I don't want to kiss my dream of going to NYU good-bye.
Still, it's hard to change, to make an arduous three-hundred-and-sixty degrees turn, when you've been a certain way your entire life.
**
Was trying to write a MitRu shounen-ai fic I had in mind during my free period (glorious forty-five minutes of doing nothing!) yesterday. But wasn't inspired at all. I write better late at night/in the wee hours of the morning. Too bad school has started, as it means no more late nights for me, just writing into the dawn.
I really loved that, you know. Those quarantine-ing days, stuck at home with nuts to do but write and wake up late, as late as my heart desired.
I almost wish that someone in JJ would contract SARS and force the school to close for 3 days so that I can have my glorious days of prolific writing back but how utterly selfish is that?
SARS is bad. BAD.
**
Slept till 10.30 a.m. Apparently my civics tutor/CT/form teacher/what the fuck called. Not too surprised there. Called her back, told her I'm staying home due to my sprained ankle which she knows about, said yeah, it's quite bad, can't really walk properly, and yeah, I'd be in school on Monday, blah blah blah. She's nice so I had no qualms about talking to her on the phone.
Maybe she can mentor me. I know I'm a goddamn genius when it comes to writing and all, but hell, I'm seriously deteriorating and I need to maintain my standard first and then move up a notch. As much of a natural as I am, I can't do it all by myself.
Then again, since when has Yelen the Arrogant ever admitted to needing help? Especially when it comes to something she's good at?
I'm just too damn proud for my own good.
**
The Sacramento Kings lost to the Los-fucking-Angeles La-fucking-kers. Bloody fucking shit. Peja missed all four (?) of his three-pointers. Seriously don't know what the hell he's doing. They could've kicked Lakers ass if he made all of them. I mean, that'll be 12 points and the final score would've been 119-117. Bah. And Vlade Divac, Sacramento's center, only had like 5 rebounds or something. Don't they know that he who rules the board rules the game?
Argh. I'm so damn pissed. The LAKERS for goodness sake. They SUCK. What if the Kings meet with them for the play-offs? Are they going be eliminated in the first round and contend with it? I surely hope not.
And how did the Lakers get into the play-offs? I was hoping they'd stay out so that I can have a good laugh at the supposed three-time NBA champions. Bah. Bunch of wankers.
Anyway, the Kings still rock. Ike ike.
**
I think I'll do some History reading later on, when I feel like it. And maybe I'll answer the Economics questions I got yesterday. Oh, and I have to read the Econs notes I got in Term One. That is, if I can find them. I don't think they're gonna repeat the stuff. Which is bad, 'cause I don't even know what a damn normative statement is.
And I'm a bit worried about Literature, about how I'm going to receive "Othello" and all. Because throughout secondary school the Literature teachers have been spoon-feeding me with notes. Granted, I used them as rough papers, but the stuff I wrote in my text were just the things the teachers read out to the class. I credit a lot of my *ahem* A-essays for set texts to my wonderful memory, and I have things in my memory because the teachers just feed you everything with a golden spoon. Now, the thing is, what if the cool teacher doesn't spoon feed? What if he raises ambiguous questions that I can't answer? What if there are people in my class who're better in Literature than me?
What if I don't get to do 'S' paper? I would never have a shot at a scholarship without it.
Great. More pressure. You certainly do it to yourself, baka Yelen.
Well, arigatou kami-sama for the unseen part, I guess. Have always been more comfortable with unseen. It's unpredictable and you can't berate yourself for forgetting things because there's nothing to remember in the first place. No quotes, no character traits, no sequence of events, nothing. Just basic things like imagery and metaphors and techniques and devices.
Which I should definitely know, or I can't say that I have a reason to live anymore.
**
The size 27 skirt fits just right. Which means it'll get really tight after a heavy meal. But it's shorter than the size 28 one and I'm vain so I don't really care.
Short description from: A song by Radiohead from "The Bends". The title eludes me now.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010