what if... ?
written: 5:28 p.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 15, 2003

So early in the morning my mom drove me to BP, which is right outside my school, and we attempted to buy breakfast there, 'cause the house was out of food. Why 'attempted', you ask? Because there is nothing to eat there. But nobody cares about food when the first thing that greets you when you pull into the premise is... Mr. Nerd at the counter, paying for -ahem- his newspapers and breakfast.

I saw the back of his head and thought, "Hey, that guy looks like Mr. Nerd!" So I went into the shop thing, said 'hey', he seemed surprise to see me there and was like, "Ay, hi!" Or something to that effect. It was kinda weird though. Didn't really know what to say to him, 'cause it's been a really long time since I last talked to him, and last Thursday's 'hi bye' definitely doesn't count. He was like, "Hey, you got the uniform." (In not-so-refined English, of course.)

Me: Um, yeah. Obviously.

Mr. Nerd: Hehe.

Me: I'm here with my mom. [gestures in direction mom is]

Mr. Nerd: Your mom? [glances in direction I gestured at] So young?

Me: She looks young. Yeah.

Mr. Nerd: Oh haha. (Okay, he didn't really say that but this is to facilitate the flow of the dialogue I'm attempting to write out here.)

Me: Yeah. Well. See you in school!

Did I see him in school? No. Was I looking out for him? Of course not.

Then again, I forgot, I did see him in school. He went up to the um, flagpole area to get some certificate for participating in some competition. I had a nice time looking at him. He's really, really cute. But that's about it.

Anyway, had some students' council recruitment talk in the hall during Civics. I got a form to nominate myself.

I don't know though. I don't know if I should run. Firstly, leading is so not what I do. It's so not what I want to do. In fact, I could care less about the welfare of JJC or whatever the fuck it is I'm supposed to care and be passionate about. You can even go as far as saying the school may shut down for good and I won't even bat an eyelid. And leading the masses? Serving the school? Definitely things I can't see myself doing.

On the other hand, I'm vying for a scholarship at the end of next year that will see me through my education at NYU (ideally, that is). And if I'm going to beat out other competitors for that same scholarship, I'd need the words 'student's council' on my bloody resume thingy. So yes, if I do run, I'd be doing it for the points and the title and not much else. Which is what they were advising us against.

And on top of that, I have myself to consider. As in, if I don't run, I'd be like, "Why the fuck didn't you do it?" in the future. I'd be all over my own ass for not giving myself the chance to do it and to see if I can do it.

Most probably not, but does that matter?

I'm kind of torn between my own ambition and my own desire not to do anything that would alienate me from myself. If I ever do become a leader, I wouldn't even recognise myself anymore. I mean, "live for no one but yourself" and everything. Yes, I got that from Gensomaden Saiyuki, but I definitely relate to it. Live for no one but yourself. That's what I'm making my new motto in life.

Bearing that in mind, wouldn't running for the damn council totally fly in the face of my life motto? Wouldn't I be contradicting myself all over again? Wouldn't I not know who I am all over again, just when I thought I finally have myself figured out?

Doing something like joining the stupid students' council really goes against everything that I stand for; my principals, my beliefs, the person that I am, what I am, who I am, how I am.

So the answer should be easy: stay the fuck away from the council and do something else.

But I want - need - a scholarship to go to NYU. And I'm just going on the assumption that I can get in in the first place, which would be another difficulty altogether; I'd be competing with brilliant people all over the world for that one spot in the Arts faculty. Obviously, I'd need to stand out.

I don't know how but I think having the councillor title thing would be a nice added bonus.

Any advice here? Sign my guestbook please.

Have to go take a shower so I'll just move on. During lunch in the canteen something really fucking stupid happened. Was waiting for Mel to return to our table so that we can leave and saw her talking to this guy that we both know. So I was sitting there, waiting patiently, when she scurried back, picked up her stuff, and leaned in to me and muttered, "[insert name of guy she was talking to] said some guys are interested in you."

I went, "Huh?" and looked over my shoulder at the table where the guy was. Interestingly enough, he was sitting with this bunch of guys, and they were all looking at me.

Instantly appalled, I turned back with a roll of my eyes. "Whatever," I told Mel. And off we went.

So I folded my skirt once and it was pretty short. So what. Doesn't mean they had to be assholes and piss me off.

But when that guy she was talking to called out my name, I was being really nice when I turned my head and gave him a forced smile and waved back. I was being REALLY, FUCKING NICE. Yeah.

Literature with the cool teacher was damn cool. A bit daunted by the fact that we're gonna do three texts in two years, but yeah. I'll deal. I'll have to. It's Literature. It's the subject I'm pinning everything on.

Task for the weekend: Buy Othello and read Act One.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010