heart-to-heart
written: 7:31 p.m. on Saturday, Jun. 14, 2003

Came back from camp.

It was okay. Wouldn't talk about it 'cause there's nothing to talk about. Camps are basically that... just camps. They're all the same. Only the company is different.

I apparently played basketball with two ghosts last night but um, I don't really know. There was this ex-student there who has the third eye, and I was playing basketball at the netball court with 7 other people. This morning one of them told me that the ex-student told them that there were 10 people at the court.

Isn't that interesting? I think so too.

He also dished a few more stories... apparently there were spirits around last night, in school, pretty much all around. I'm not really freaked out or anything though... I mean, I was pretty jumpy last night, 'cause Mel had a couple of paranormic (?) experiences that I wouldn't disclose 'cause I'm not bothered to.

But if the ex-student is for real and there really were ten people playing basketball at the netball court when I could see only seven, then it basically means that I was clueless about the two extra people, which then means... I'm not really affected either way.

Moving away from this ghost thing though. There is this Year 2 dude in my CCA whom I've never seen before. I never knew he existed until the camp and my god, he's this amazing, brilliant, accurate shooter. Basketball shooter, that is. And we were playing at the netball court yesterday... he shot these amazing things from the line. It was like, 8 of 10 or something to that effect.

Sakurai and I were mooning when he shot. He's really, really awesome. Even better than that cager I liked, I think. And we decided that he'd be our new target. It's a joint-crush kinda crap.

I know. It's silly. But such is life in boring JJC.

He's super skinny though, the guy. He has legs like toothpicks. He's even skinnier than I am.

Anyway I feel like a bloated piece of shit now. Gotta do something soon. Gotta get out, gotta run, gotta fly.

Gotta get away...

Don't really feel like facing those incessant piles of meaningless, junk papers, bland mathematical equations, empty economical hypothesis, dull historical non-facts, tedious literary analysis.

I am just so tired of trying to stay afloat. I wish I could let myself drown. It would be easier... so much easier.

But I can't, because I don't allow myself to.

**

Met up with Ben in school. He's my friend, ex-JJCian, met on mIRC. Cool person. He told me via SMS that he was playing basketball so I went down to the courts (and I really went down) and found him playing with this guy that I know. I shot a few um, shots. I missed all of them.

Anyway, didn't really have a chance to talk to him, like, really talk. But it was nice to finally see him in person anyway. And he was right... he is short.

Ha ha ha.

No offence, of course. =)

**

Went for a night walk on Friday at the Singapore Island Country Club (further down and I would've been back in St. Nicholas). I thought we were going to MacRitchie. I thought we would be walking past a cemetery.

Perhaps we did and I didn't notice but I doubt it. We sludged through a dense forested area, barely able to look where we were stepping and almost tripping over giant tree roots and jagged rocks that jutted from the ground, and also as a group, walked across a soft, almost synthetic landscape of half-buried clouds, raw gritty grass. It was drizzling slightly, and the sky was a gorgeous purple-grey.

I was so close to nature... and yet I wasn't. Because adjacent to the fairy-tale, dystopic place I was walking through was a golf course.

I noticed, when we were on our way back, that the bright spotlights from the gold course resembled sunrise. They were the artificial sun peering over low-lying mountains with branches and leaves that looked like deforestation in the night, and for a while there, I was almost fooled.

Moral? Aldous Huxley was right.

**

My individual walk was supposed to test my confidence. Each and every one of us was to take a path, marked out by the Year 2s and adults in charge, that cut through a forest of bushes and trees and shrubs and dead leaves and twigs, with no source of light except a measley light stick, less than 10 cm long, and a trickle of moonlight.

The Year 2s were scaring us along the way. When I was put to the test, so to speak, the president made me jump when he started hissing like some fucked up madman. But he was the first person to attempt to make me cry with fright, so for the rest of my journey, I was expecting such... abnormalities. They didn't really scare me, not even the Year 2 girl who dressed up like Sadako (?) from The Ring and had her hair covering her face, wearing a white sheet (I could see her track pants from the side). In fact, their presence only calmed me.

Like I said, it was a test of confidence. I suppose I exuded confidence, probably even reeked of it, although me taking out my handphone and using the light to dilute the darkness a little (it didn't help) was a dead give-away of the unease I was feeling.

But I reckon it was just unease to them. To me, it was outright jumpiness. Apprehension. And fear even, spiked with a tinge of paranoia, uncertainty.

Yes. I was scared.

I simply chose to hide it.

And why not? It worked wonders, so that even I was convinced.

I swear, I should get a Best Actress Oscar one of these days.

**

I was offered a pretty high position in my section of my CCA. My president and the adults in charge apparently think I'm suitable for the role.

It's a leadership role. Something as alien and foreign to me as Arabic, Greek, French, German, Spanish.

I guess what they said during my first three months at JJC about more opportunities being offered here than other, "better" JCs is true. Back in St. Nicholas I never undertook any type of leadership role. Wasn't even offered any.

Granted, I didn't exactly care. But nobody ever told me that I had the potential to do it, which was why I never considered it.

And now my wonderful president, a fucked-up slacker who got six points for his O Levels, is telling me that I have what it takes to fulfill a leadership role.

I would say yes immediately, if it weren't for my history and tendency of fucking things up.

I'll think about it. I'll think about it hard.

I'm so glad I didn't run for students' council after all.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010