when you can't find the world
written: 8:12 p.m. on Friday, Jun. 27, 2003

I'm feeling really lousy right now.

I realise today that I was wrong about a lot of things. For one, I'm not a genius after all. For another, first impressions can never be trusted, for they always turn out to be absolutely false.

It's everything about today combined with the fact that I'm going back to school on Monday, coupled with a few very annoying people that I came across today, that is at work here. Mix some very bad writing that I've been dishing out into the boiling pot of love, and you get my own personal quicksand, the thing that is dragging me down right now.

Let me attempt to figure out why I'm feeling this way... 'cause I'd really like to know as well.

First, I didn't get a lot of work done today. I think I spent about an hour doing one pathetic Chinese suyu (some fucking idioms or whatever shit) exercise, and I intended to study my Econs but I just couldn't focus. I can't fucking make it lah... school starts on fucking Monday. I'm just in over my head with this shit.

History is repeating itself all over again.

Second. This is more complicated. I don't really understand it myself. That kid at the basketball court? This is about him.

He's just this... he's this really strange thing. I don't get it. One minute he's all friendly and whatnot and the next he's cold as ice. For some reason I actually let that bother me.

I should just admit this. I care about the kid, for whatever warped, unknown reason that eludes me right now. He deserves so much more than what he has and he doesn't even realise it. Today he was playing catching with his friends, all the neighbourhood kids, and it struck me how so fucking frivolous he is. He is just such a goddamn kid, so playful and he told me after I followed him to the hawker center that he's tired, why? Because school's starting on Monday and he's depressed about that.

He is just so damn innocent and I want to protect him. He's taking his PSLE this year, and I want to see him do well, even more than I want to see my own bleeding brother do well for his exams.

It's so incredible how I can let a kid whom I don't even know all that well bother me so much. I'm trying to forget it but I think as long as I don't somehow interject myself into his life and help him pass his fucking English, there's always going to be this nagging thought at the back of my mind, this insane worry for an almost complete stranger.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Have I turned soft or something? I can't believe I actually care so much for him.

But I do, whether I like it or not.

And trust that I don't like it a single bit.

So what am I going to do now? I'm not going to play ball there anymore 'cause I wouldn't have the time to once school starts, and for fuck's sake, I can't even juggle my own bleeding schoolwork! Why do I want to be bothered with somebody else's?

Let me tell you about him. He's joy and innocence personified, despite everything else. Sure, he has a severe attitude problem when dealing with unknown people playing on his turf, but I think he's been playing there for years so you can't really blame him. Today there were three secondary school guys playing at the court with me, 'cause it was my ball that they were using, and one of the kid's friends asked us for a pick-up. So we played a game, the kid playing against me and the three guys, and he made it clear that he wasn't amused that they were there at all. He kept throwing his attitude around, purposely shooting three-pointers and smirking when he hits nothing but net, saying things like, "Wah lau, we scored and it's your ball ah?" with that icy edge to his tone to the guys, and the most insulting, quitting halfway through.

(It's insulting because it's a sure sign that he is bored, he finds their skills below standard and perhaps he thinks that he can thrash them/us/whatever with his eyes closed, that kinda crap.)

It pissed me off, of course, but that's not really the point. It was obvious today that he isn't very receptive to strangers that invade his space. In fact, I saw him standing by the gate and staring at the basketball court, where the three guys were playing by themselves. I went over to him, asked him what the hell was he doing there, he said, don't know, and went on to grumble, "Ta men shi shei?" ("Who are those guys?")

I'm pretty much a stranger over there. I don't know those kids, they don't know me and we're not bothered to get to know each other.

Why did the kid ask me to play a two-on-two on Monday when he doesn't like strangers? Why was he so nice to me on Wednesday and kept passing me the ball during the pick-up that I played with him when he shoots so much better than me?

Why did he even bother talking to me? This is all his fault. If he never said a word to me I would never have known that he's 13 and stuck in primary school, I would never have grown to care for him and thus I wouldn't have this problem right now.

He's such a sweet kid, you know. He does it in such a way that it's subtle, but if you pay attention, you know that it's there. It's in the way he smiles, it's in the way he shows his concern for his friends, it's in the way he's protective of his friends, it's in the way he does little things for you, small gestures that probably don't really mean much to him, but to another, they may mean the world.

Like I said before, he's joy and innocence, and he's frustration and realism all at once. He's no stranger to the downsides of life that drag a person down and yet he laughs it all away, he is at ease with the world, as long as he has his friends, the basketball court and a basketball in his hands.

I simply can't forget this kid, no matter how much I want to.

And I think that's the main thing that is bothering me right now.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010