thoughts
written: 7:48 p.m. on Monday, Jun. 30, 2003

The school was quiet today. Year 2s were having their mid-years and when it was all over, it was just the Year Ones. Too little people in too big a compound. I'm not used to being able to hear my footsteps as I walk down the corridor, as I descend the staircases, and I'm certainly not used to the strange emptiness that seemed to hang over the entire college, the entire day.

Things are more or less back to square one again, in terms of the school's entertainment value. My crush on him really wasn't all that serious... in fact, it was merely his basketball skills that I was astounded and enthralled by. I'm being quite serious here... his form... my god, it's beauty personified, honestly. I've never seen anyone who shoots with such grace and elegance, two words you don't exactly associate with basketball, but he manages to pull it off anyhow.

But that alone isn't really enough for me to go on with. I don't know, perhaps this makes absolutely no sense, and I don't blame you, because I'm also trying to figure it out. Sometimes I do think that I treat guys as little kids would treat their toy cars and barbie dolls... they are just objects I use to amuse myself with, and I'm not serious at all about any of it. And the thrill of going after somebody, that's the thing I'm looking for, and not actually the main act itself.

I tell myself not to play with people's feelings whenever I get the urge to cross the line and act out the drama that I've penned. It's not very nice to mess with things like that.

But then, it's not very nice to drop bombs on innocent civilians either, but we do it anyway, don't we?

**

Not much to say about today, except that we got a new timetable again and the silly school admin stupidly scheduled three periods of PE for my class, one in the morning, two in the afternoon. Luckily the teacher let us off in the afternoon on the account that we already suffered one period of hell, so a few classmates and I used that time to play basketball.

It was a match. Kind of. A lame one, if I have to be honest. I'd rather play pick-ups with the community centre kids... I was quite bored today. I don't know, it just wasn't very exciting.

They all thought it was a big deal when I made jumpers from my usual corners, but to me, the big deal lied/laid in me not making those jumpers. I've been playing consecutively for five days, everytime shooting from the same position, so yes, I was rather frustrated when I shot airballs from the sides.

Oh well. Can't win 'em all.

**

Chinese oral this Friday.

I need to start conversing in Mandarin. Need to find someone who speaks in Mandarin... someone other than my father, that is. Speaking to him is quite stressful sometimes, as I'm always conscious of my shaky command of the language whenever I open my mouth to talk. Sometimes that consciousness completely takes over and I lose focus and say silly things that neither him nor I understand.

I'm the first person in the whole entire school to go... and it's the A Level exam. I need a distinction, even for Chinese.

I feel the stress coming on.

Dad is yelling.

Just. Fucking. Leave. Me. Alone.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010