say bye bye
written: 11:20 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 14, 2003
I was planning to study last-minute for Wednesday's Maths test but after watching "Friends" I got really tired. So I decided, fuck it. Will try to rush everything tomorrow... but of course, it's not going to work.
The New Kid wasn't in school today. When I realised that in the morning... it kinda felt as though I've been hit by a bus. Or as though I was just told that my favourite hamster has died...
Hmm. Then again, not the latter comparison. My favourite hamster died on the 5th of October, 2000, and the devastation I felt then was so much more overwhelming than what I felt, or did not feel, this morning.
It was more subtle, more sneaky, creeping up on me bit by bit and driving itself under my skin. When I discovered its presence I was just floored. Didn't know what to think. What to do. Why I felt what I felt.
I suppose it's obvious. Ben certainly guessed it. I suspect I may have a crush, a slight one, on The New Kid. That's why his absence was so unsettling to me in school. And it's wrong, because my relationship with him was supposed to be a hundred percent platonic. He's my classmate. He's my friend. Friends and classmates don't have crushes on each other. It's just... wrong.
But he remembered that it's my birthday today. An SMS is better than no word at all, not even a phone call, and receiving that message made me smile.
What didn't make me smile was the absolute apathy that my SN mates displayed. Not even a word from my friends, let alone my ex-classmates, save for three people: The Quiet One, who's now studying in Australia (she sent me a bracelet through the mail), a childhood friend, who's also studying in Australia, and Ruishan, whose 12 a.m. SMS surprised and touched me. (So thank you. Truly.)
Should I blame them? I don't know. Do I even give a fuck? Yes, or I wouldn't be writing about it.
I don't know what to think, if I should think at all. It's not so much of the day itself than it is of the thought. The effort. Something to show that they still care, that they aren't just playing lip-service to the growing distance that is derailing whatever we've shared for the past - fucking hell - ten years.
Yunnie, Pearl (SMS received), The Athlete (SMS received) - thank you for making my day. Though you wouldn't read this anyway.
**
I don't care enough to sink into self-pity though. Why should I waste those precious time on something so worthless? After all, it's only a birthday. I'm turning seventeen. Big fucking deal.
Even I myself don't care.
And seeing the cager whom I had a crush on wasn't fun at all.
Funny, no one else besides me find him cute. I guess it's just me and my weird taste.
But he really is very, very handsome.
Although I'd choose The New Kid over him anytime.
I think. I'm not sure.
I'm just tired.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010