birthday angst
written: 5:43 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 14, 2003

I've had three consecutive bad birthdays in a row so ever since the first one in the year 2000, I've always had this sort of angst about my own birthdays. Never liked them. Before it was due to circumstances beyond my control... this year, however, I was sincerely dreading it.

Today was all right. Received nice gifts from nice people and nice birthday wishes from nice people. Still, I was feeling an incredible amount of angst throughout the whole day, and I could've drowned in my empty, broken sob story that nobody is really interested in... if it weren't for Mel, who was there with me the whole day, supporting me (if only unconsciously) and holding me up.

I've never appreciated her the way I did today. So perhaps, maybe, I've been taking such things for granted for way too long.

But what is to be done about that? Everything is transient, nothing is permanent. Just like all the empty promises that we make, the meaningless words that we speak.

And I could live forever, just hearing those words brush against my ear, kissing me on the lips. I could drown in their beauty with an imbecilic smile on my face, contented, comforted.

And birthdays are just that. Birthdays. Meaningless days set aside to celebrate birth, or if you want it put more cynically, to celebrate the ultimate destruction of planet Earth. But what if a year didn't consist of three hundred and sixty-five days? What if a year were to consist of a hundred days? Two hundred days? Ten weeks? When would be my birthday? Would it still make a difference?

And what am I talking about? I have absolutely no idea. It was just a thought that ran through my mind early this morning, at 12-something a.m. when I couldn't get to sleep.

Birthdays really aren't anything. And I hate birthdays. I hate my own birthdays. I wish I could skip the whole thing and just be seventeen.

Birthdays make me very, very depressed.

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before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010