rain on a sunny day
written: 6:11 p.m. on Wednesday, Jul. 30, 2003

I wrote this during Econs lecture, first period.

un.titled

a vicious rack, endorsed by Elizabeth
bones torn to pieces,
tearing precious skin.
screams of agony, wails of pain
and eyes writhing white like
pure fresh snow.
satan's joy in riding this car
flaming fire of black pollutant smoke
taints Virginity like incestuous semen
snuffing out the tiniest lone
sliver of light
with malicious forked tongue
slobbering, slithering, sliding.

maybe the handcuffs should come off now
maybe the blood could flood a small rural village

and i don't understand
why i'm still chained to these
torturous wheels of fire
burning, flaming

tearing me apart.

I'm okay. I just really hate Econs.

**

When I spend time with The New Kid I simply don't want it to end. I had a lovely time with him at McDonalds' today after this talk at LT5 conducted by Felix Cheong, a Singaporean poet, whose work I enjoy quite a bit. And... okay, he smells really good. And he's really warm. And...

Argh. What the fuck. Sometimes I do sincerely believe that I'm going crazy. But it's okay. 'Cause, 'cause nobody really cares, right?

Honestly I don't know what I'm typing.

We joked and laughed and shoved each other all the way from LT5 to McDonalds' and that light-hearted mood continued for a bit, until I think I got up to wash my hands, and when I returned to the table I noticed that he's gone all freakily silent and weird.

So I asked him what was wrong. He just shook his head and kept his mouth shut.

A while later he decided to clue me in to whatever it is that was running through his mind. He said, "Got nothing to say lah... actually got something to say."

So I said, "Yeah, what?"

He didn't want to tell me. When I was on the bus on my way home he messaged me, saying he had something to tell me then but didn't know how to say it, and hopefully he can tell me tomorrow.

And he pulled something similar yesterday. All I could think of was, "Okay. He's going to say that he only wants to be friends and nothing more."

It was agonising. Falsely (?) agonising, yes, but agonising nonetheless. In the end the important thing that he wanted to tell me yesterday was 'good night'.

But this time I think it's no joke. And I'm really, really curious, so much that I think I could die from it. I really hate it when he does this to me... arouse my curiosity by telling me he has something to say to me but refusing to tell me what it is that he has to say to me.

But I don't hold it against him or anything because he thinks I'm cute.

And no matter what it is that he wants to tell me, be it good or bad, right now, I think he's the loveliest thing in the world.

**

Oh yeah. I failed my Econs test.

I HATE Econs.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010