fuck it.
written: 5:11 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003

Just a short update on my boring life.

Let's see. When did I stop writing? Right, GP. Yeah so that was fine.

Monday: Econs. I took my teacher's huge hint and studied the size of firms half of production and cost theory and market structure and all of it came out so I had fun writing pages after pages worth of messy, almost illegible economic nonsense that I'm sure would either garner me a pass or a fail, and nothing more. I think I did okay but Econs is so unpredictable that I may end up getting an F so yeah, I don't really know. I tried my darndest for the stupid case study (US's beef industry, of all fucking things) but yeah, will have to stake everything on Monday's MCQ.

Tuesday: Maths and Shakespeare. Three hours straight of Mathematics was pure, utter hell. I counted my marks and it totaled to a measley 36 out of a hundred. I sat in the exam hall and panicked when I couldn't do the first question. And I forgot how to differentiate the inverse of sine. Of all fucking things. That was one precious mark wasted because of lousy memory. I pretty much couldn't do the entire first page of the exam paper so that's 25 marks gone for sure. Obviously, it would take a miracle for me to pass and I don't believe in miracles so yeah. Make the bloody connection yourself.

And it was only after the 3 hours that I began to appreciate the virtue of freedom of movement. Sitting for three hours without getting up even once is truly, horrendously, shitty. I was so drained after that, even more when my Shakespeare/George Eliot paper ended. Did text-based for both 'cause I didn't study; even forgot to bring my texts to school. Somehow I managed to cough up a five-page essay for Othello and a four-page for Silas Marner. But length means nothing and it's the quality that counts so it ain't saying much, except that I'm sure I'll pass the paper so yeah, not very worried there.

Wednesday: History, another 3-hour paper. Southeast Asian half pretty much fucked off and died, so banking everything on the European half, 'cause the night before I took out my essays and pretty much memorised them. It's a good thing my teacher's bleeding stupid 'cause she pretty much told us what was coming out during the lectures that I didn't attend. So whatever I studied came out exactly the way I thought it would, except the Southeast Asian one but I already said it fucked off and died, so yeah.

Today was Chinese. Got only one correct for Group C which is choose the correct sentence to complete the sentence. Stupid thing was damn tricky, and nevermind that I eliminated all the wrong options and was left with two 'cause I chose the wrong one out of the two anyway. How do I know this? My mom helped me check my answers. She was absolutely flabbergasted at how pathetic my standard of Chinese is.

I mean I'm sure I can pass but I want at least an A2 for the actual exam on the 7th of next month. How am I going to do so when the highest I've got so far for Chinese is only a C5?

Tomorrow I'm having Literature paper four which is utopian writing which gives me a bloody headache because I've yet to score above 30/50, but then we only have had two tests anyway. But still, I haven't been reading and I don't answer the question when I write my answer and I want at least a C for literature so yeah I think I'm just going to die.

And it doesn't help that amidst all these exam crap, me and The New Kid are practically broken up. He just had to talk to me a day before the fucking Maths paper. I mean I was the one who wanted to break up and he didn't want to but still, give me some space, for crying out loud. I was trying to do the right thing by distancing myself until the exams are all over and drop the bomb onto his lap but apparently it backfired heavily against me, so what the fuck am I to do now?

I don't know, I don't care, I'm just fucking tired of my emotionally-handicapped self and I wish I were somebody else, at least someone special and someone selfless so that I don't have to hurt people all the time. I wish I were more well-versed when it comes to matters of the heart and I would trade my intellect for emotional intelligence any day. What the fuck is the point of having an IQ of above average but an EQ of minus zero?

God, I haven't been swearing so much in a long time and I really fucking need it.

I am seriously swearing off dating and useless things like relationships. I can't handle it anyway, I'm too fuck-immature to and I end up hurting the guy so why put him through that kinda shit? I'm never dating again, I'm never getting married and I'll spend my whole life as a spinster.

It's my destiny anyway.

So in short, I think I will be promoted, but not sure whether I'll get to continue doing 4As. If I get the chance to I'm not going to slack off at all next year. Will be working my arse off towards my goal and I'm not kidding this time.

See how fucked up I am? Talking about grades immediately after that rubbish paragraphs on... crap. Whatever.

I'm just fucking tired.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010