in perspective
written: 4:27 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 17, 2003
School was pretty torturous yesterday, and not only because I was forced to sit through a two-hour long talk on entrepreneurship. First thing in the morning what did I do? Avoided The New Kid like the plague. Yes, it's true. In spite of the maturity that I'm supposed to be possessing that is beyond my peers I resorted to something so bloody immature. I was at the parade square, the assembly ground, and I sat down on the curb next to a classmate, and in the near distance he was walking with his friend towards my direction. I saw him and he knew that I saw him but I looked away and read my book.
And the more horrendous part was at the bus stop, after cutting school. I can't believe he cut as well, along with his mates. They were at the bus stop, somewhere up front, and I was at the back. I was hoping that my bus would arrive really soon so that I can escape the whole awkward situation, because despite the physical gap between us, I knew that he knew that I was there and it was just bloody freaking weird. After a long long long time my bus finally arrived. I sauntered towards it, acted as if I didn't give a shit and boarded it, and I felt, more than saw, that he saw me.
To repeat, it was just bloody freaking weird.
I don't exactly care and I don't exactly hurt. Why should I hurt if I wanted to break up with him? I don't even think about it all that much anymore and don't look at the stuff that he's given me, all kept nicely in my Asics shoebox. It's just that I still care about him, obviously, for he was a friend before anything else. And it really sucks that we're in the same class because even if I want to avoid him like a childish schoolgirl, I can't. He's my bloody GP partner. I'm supposed to help him for the subject. And then there's History and Maths lecture, two classes which Mel doesn't share with me.
She wasn't in school yesterday so I didn't have my protective shield with me. I feel all too naked in his vincinity, all alone, because honestly, Mel is the only close friend I have in class, and possibly in school, with the exception of Sakurai.
I just don't understand why we have to make things so difficult. I don't understand either why he just has to give that much of a shit about me. Put me on some fucked up pedestal, like I'm perfection, but I'm not and I refuse to be the justification for his happiness. If I cause him that much misery (insomnia is supposedly one of them) then why the fuck does he still care that much?
I know I hurt him a lot and where I was really sorry before, I don't really care that much now. Getting back with him is impossible. He's a great guy but he's really, really not my type. I entertained the notion of patching up and shit like that last week after reading that heart-wrenching poem that he gave me, along with the Jielun DVD, but as the days passed, the guilt kind of dissipated into thin air. So yes, I suppose I am selfish but I honestly don't see the point in a relationship whereby one is too serious and the other is too light-hearted about it.
Besides, he deserves someone better than me. He deserves all that I can't give him because it's just not in my capacity to give selflessly and read his mind, and I can't commit because I like guys way too much and why waste my youth on commitment when I'll probably succumb to it many many years later?
I just want to have fun. And with him, somehow, things have reached a point where 'fun' no longer exists. It felt like more of an obligation than anything.
Now, all I can hope for is that he's already over me.
**
So yesterday after cutting school I headed for the mall near my house. While contemplating over what to do, it struck me that there's a movie theatre at the mall, which meant that I could watch a movie because my mom didn't expect me home till 4-something. It was only about 10.30 a.m. and I had nothing better to do. So I headed for the box office and bought myself a ticket for "Matchstick Men", the new Ridley Scott project starring Nicolas Cage, Alison Lohman and Sam Rockwell. I bought the earliest show, at 12.30 a.m. I had about an hour and a half to kill with nothing to do. So I decided to cut my hair.
The haircut sucks but it was definitely therapeutic. It was like getting rid of part of an old me, if that makes sense. I sat there and stared at everywhere but myself in the mirror and felt my long hair fell onto the floor in useless chunks and it felt surprisingly good. Now, I've wanted to cut my hair for a really long time but never got 'round to doing it because I was a little anxious that I may regret it. Although I hate the way my hair looks now, I don't regret cutting my hair. It may be just a haircut, but fuck it, it was a good haircut, even if it simply means changing my look.
I don't know why it's important that I got my hair snipped yesterday but yes, it was. I bought a bunch of neat hairthings to go along with it too. It's times like these that I enjoy being female very much.
I'm a lot happier these few days, I think. Or maybe it's just the now that is making me think that I've been pretty happy. Honestly, I don't even remember offhand what the heck went on this week. That is exactly why I keep a diary.
I started a review site. Because I Can. Because I felt like it. Currently working on a layout for it, featuring Kenneth Branagh (sp) as Iago because the site name was inspired by my teacher's analysis of his character during Literature class. And because Iago is a sexy bitch and I like him.
I'm apparently having classes from next Monday. I hope it isn't a regular school day 'cause it means that I'll have to stay back till 5 fucking 15 and that fucking sucks. And Mondays I have double-period GP which means double awkwardness and weirdness for The New Kid and I.
Woo-hoo. That's about enough to burst whatever happy bubble I'm currently trapped in right now.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010