rocking the status quo
written: 11:23 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003

It's November already. Time has sneaked right past me, under my nose, without me even realising what was going on.

I hate waxing nostalgia on such issues but it truly feels as if it were just yesterday that I stepped into the gates of Jurong Junior College in my St. Nicks uniform, my "don't-give-a-fuck" mug intact, my shell hard as ever.

It's weird. Whereas previous years seemed to drag on as if there were no tomorrow, this year simply whizzed by, and most of the time, I was left behind to eat its dust. School is so much more fast-paced now... so much more anal retentive, confusing. It's like I barely have time to even catch my breath, let alone breathe.

It's like I've forgotten what it feels like to truly live.

My writing has suffered considerably, although I must say my standard of English has improved somewhat. Still, I can't help but feel as if I've lost something dear, something intangible, something non-materialistic... I'm lost nowadays, because without my words, I am nothing.

I don't know. I don't feel like I'm living for myself anymore. I may be aiming for good grades for myself but that's not what I truly want to do. I want to...

I guess I just want to write.

But I haven't been able to do that too well for a really, really long time.

It's strange, did I ever mention that? I'm promoted, I get to keep my subjects but I don't feel anything. Perhaps I anticipated it but I could swear that it did exist a period of time when I was almost sure that I was screwing up, all over again.

I don't know. Perhaps it's JJC. Number Eleven College Out Of A Possible Sixteen. And despite everything, I still harbour some of that elite school pride nonsense. I can't help it. Being in a top ten school for ten years does have its detrimental effects, no matter how hard one tries to fight against it.

It's quite sad, if you want to know the truth. Around me people study their arses off, they mug like crazy, hoping to do well, but ultimately, they still do worse than me, the super slacker who relies heavily on last-minute preparation that works well for her because she can remember stuff pretty well for a short period of time.

I mean, I can easily top the cohort if I put in more effort, or okay, if I put in effort. But I don't know, I'm too lazy to.

Still, it's what I'm aiming for, for next year. I want to emerge as top student in the arts stream. I want my name engraved on the gold-varnished plate put on glorious display in the school hall. I want to win a scholarship merely based on that (but we know that is impossible).

And this new-found ambition is certainly foreign, like cancer in a healthy body, except it's not nearly as harmful or deadly. On the contrary, I'm hoping it might change me, somehow. I don't know how. I haven't had a lot of time to truly reflect and think. JC life is crap. It's hectic. It sucks energy out of a person. It bleeds a person of her analytical thoughts.

Or maybe it's just an excuse.

I feel myself slackening. And this time, it's not good and I don't take any pride in it. It's different from slacking off when it comes to school work, because for school work, there is a certain status quo that is always there, that you can pick up on, anytime you feel like it.

But for thinking, thoughts, feelings, emotions... these are transient as they come, they are temporary, fickle, and if you don't put them down fast, commit them into writing, they simply fade into oblivion.

And in the end, you're no different from the myriad teenagers from whom you're so desperate to stand out.

I just think it sucks to be mediocre. That's all.

Which is why I must be the top student next year. I didn't graduate from St. Nicholas for nothing.

That is concrete evidence of change, you know. I never had such huge ambitions in secondary school, mostly because I never had the chance to dream big, because I knew that I was nowhere near the top when it comes to being part of the 'cream of the crop'.

Oh well. Things are different now.

Hopefully, they aren't changing a bit too fast.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010