mars attacks
written: 5:47 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003

Had a nice long chat with Tong this morning on MSN. That guy is full of surprises... he never fails to say things that shatter my mental image of him. That's a good thing, 'cause surprises are, well, good.

Perhaps it was because it was 2, 3 a.m. and I was really tired but I told him stuff I normally don't tell people. They're nothing private or anything, just bits of information that I mostly keep to myself.

And I have concluded that it really is me against them.

I don't know why. Something he said made me conclude that. I forget what it is now but I was up thinking about it and I realised that I really find it taxing to attempt to relate to people. I just can't.

I feel so different. Like a strange creature from another planet.

Increasingly, I'm beginning to see and feel that I don't really belong, and never really belonged in the places that I have been to and, perhaps, made a difference in.

And somehow, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. The downside is that it gets lonely sometimes, that's all.

Oh well. Already used to it anyway.

Perhaps that's why I can't make a relationship last. I don't know. My needs are different from most girls. And most guys treat girls as a collective and do stereotypical things that, unfortunately, don't move me too much.

I think what I need is a real rebel. A bad boy. Someone as cynical and jaded as me, someone exactly like me, so that we can hurt each other and have fun in the process.

Or maybe that person can be a girl. Why not.

Then again, girls don't turn me on at all. So it has to be a male person.

Does it matter though, ultimately? I don't think so.

This was what Tong said, among other stuff: "u r 1 of dose special ones.........sooner or later u'l find a perfect match................."

I'm not too sure about the second bit.

**

Possible contenders from school, past and present:

1. Tong. His dressing defies the school system better than anything else ever can, even better than flipping the middle finger.

The upside: He's from ACS (I). An elite school. Which makes him and I two very out-of-place morons in JJC, stuck there due to a case of tragic mishap and definite anomaly that would never happen ever again. It also makes us two egoistic jerks helming the revolution to boost JJC's ranking, and actually thinking that it can be done, because, well, it can. Definitely. Also, he's a rich kid and generous with his bread.

The downside: He has a girlfriend of one and a half years or so with whom he seems to be in love. And the thought of him being anything more than a friend to me makes my stomach turn.

2. Cody. One of the three guys I know in my entire life who has a keen interest in the arts, in particular Literature.

The upside: He writes well and he's a hunk. Poetry is interesting. Poetry heals the soul.

The downside: He feels a lot and I can't muster up any enthusiasm about him. I don't know why. I think it's just me and my perpetual non-lust for life. Ahaha. Am I ever witty.

3. Melissa. My crazy super twin.

The upside: She's my crazy super twin and she writes beautifully and she shares some of my interests. I also feel more comfortable around her than anyone else.

The downside: She's a girl.

4. The cager whom shall remain unnamed. The number 14 guy.

The upside: He plays basketball and he's cute, and he's taller than me, which isn't something I can say for the three people mentioned above.

The downside: He's bloody cheena, his English sucks and, oh yeah, he rejected me. Haha. Also, I don't know him at all and I haven't thought about him in a really, really long time. I guess crushes simply fade into useless oblivion after they've become stale.

5. Mr. Nerd. My orientation group leader from the first three months.

The upside: He's cute and smart.

The downside: He doesn't do anything for me anymore. Definitely nothing more than a friend. And he's short.

Conclusion: Life is not getting interesting in JJC unless a miracle happens, and since I do not believe in miracles, nothing is going to change.

That was a waste of time.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010