waking up.
written: 5:25 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003

This is what happened. I took a sample SAT test yesterday, tallied my score and realised that I only attained 1260. Not nearly good enough. So I started to panic. Wild, crazy, untamed thoughts ran through my mind, things along the lines of, "Oh shit! Only 1200 plus? Cannot lah! How can lose to [Mr. Nerd]? Then later retake need to spend more money leh! Okay lah I go buy the stupid SAT book."

(The above is roughly translated as, "Oh shit, I only scored about 1200. This is unacceptable. Mr. Nerd did better than me. That is just wrong. And if I retake I need to pay again. What a waste of money. Okay, I shall buy the stupid SAT book.")

So I spent about thirty-eight dollars on "Ten Real SATs" or whatever the book is called. I opened it just now and oh my god! I love it! It's perfect! It's all that I need!

Well, that, plus a dictionary, of course. As its name implies, it has ten actual SAT tests which means I'm gonna have suuuch a party completing all of them before December 6.

Shit.

**

Yesterday I read something in the papers that made me understand the cause of the angst that I've been feeling the past few days. It's an interview with local writer Claire Tham, conducted by Life!, and she said something really, really true, and it struck a deep chord with me.

Claire Tham: But if you really like writing and you stopped, you would feel incomplete. Anybody who really wants to write will know it's something which you have to do, something which is an essential part of you. This may sound a bit pompous but if you didn't write, you would feel like you're not being yourself.

You take the words right out of my mouth, Miss Claire. I couldn't agree more.

Bearing that in mind, I bought her new book today, "The Gunpowder Trail and Other Stories", even though I don't know what it's about. Doesn't matter. She said something so wise and profound that I must be mad not to support her sales.

So everyone, go and buy the book.

Another thing. I really need to write again. This doesn't count, for I feel like I'm forcing these words out of me anyway. I mean fiction. Short stories. Hell, even fanfic. I haven't written anything in months. And I learnt that it takes one bad poem to completely upset one's flow of inspiration, despite it taking just one good poem to start it.

It's that simple. I've found my answer. I need to write. I'm lost without my words. Hell, I don't even have a reason to live without them.

So what have I been doing, these past few months, just lazing around and using school as a lame, unjustified, invalid and inexcusable excuse for not writing? If I were really serious about this shit, nothing can ever separate me from my pen. We are together as one, now and forever, till death do us part.

So yes. I guess it's official. I have decided to stop being useless, to stop wallowing in incessant and silly self-pity and do something about it. No more entries about feeling hollow and void, and no more entries about needing people.

When it comes to the crux of all that I am, it will be revealed that I really don't need anyone or anything when I have my words to keep me sane.

Thank you, Miss Claire, for waking me up.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010