my service to the public
written: 3:16 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 24, 2003

nationality: african-american

For crying out loud people, your race is not your nationality. You could be an African-American holding a China citizenship! You could be a Chinese holding an Argentina citizenship! In short, your bloody nationality is the fucking COUNTRY that you're a citizen of, and not the colour of your bloody skin! Race is a constant while nationality is a variable! THERE IS A BLOODY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO AND STOP MIXING THEM UP!

Okay. Got that out of my system. I just get so worked up when I see stupid things like that. And these people are supposed to be native English speakers.

What a joke.

Speaking of ang mohs, I was at a restaurant that serves great Indonesian cuisine yesterday for lunch with my family. We were seated by the wall, just the four of us, and minding our own business, enjoying the great food. Naturally, the restaurant wasn't totally silent; a low hum buzzed through the place, generated by the patrons' myriad conversations.

That is fine. It's even a little peaceful. Nothing wrong with that.

Then, out of the blue, I heard a voice that was not only totally out of place, but completely obnoxious in its raucous volume as well, as if it owned the place or something. I looked in the direction of the source of such irritating disturbance, and saw a table of about fifteen people, half ang mohs, half Chinese.

The voice continued speaking in that crass manner, its accent distinctively American. There wasn't much I could do at that point, but to roll my eyes and will the bastard to either shut the fuck up, or to lower his volume.

Neither happened for a while. But that's not what I'm trying to say. When I looked over at the table I was just very taken aback by a foul taste that threatened to crawl up from the pit of my stomach and into my mouth.

It was quite an ugly sight, that table. Some ang moh with arms so hairy that he really could've rivaled King Kong, and I'm not kidding, had his arm protectively and dominantly around some meek-looking cheena char bor. And for some reason or other, seeing that really pissed me off.

I don't know if it's the whole sarong party girls thing that I didn't even know about until sometime in the middle of this year, it being a term used in reference to local Chinese women who sort out rich, old and ugly ang moh men for, obviously, their money. It really did look like there was a whole Chinese family over there at the table, 'cause I spotted these two aged Chinese couple who were listening very intently to whatever the raucous ang moh was spouting when he disrupted the peace in the restaurant.

The whole scene simply reeked of pretentiousness. I'm probably unjustified in my accusation, but still, I can't stand scenes like that. I can't stand stupid Chinese people who think they're a notch above the rest just because they have ang moh friends and can speak English. Wow, you can speak English, how amazing, so fucking what? I bet that I could probably beat them in a standardised English test, for fuck's sake, and I'm only 17. Even better, despite my pathetic Chinese, I bet theirs are worse than mine.

Am I supposed to be impressed with idiots who abandon their bloody culture for a totally foreign one? Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with learning a new language. In fact, I would love to master all languages in the world if I could. I'm just really angry at people who turn their backs on their own culture and mother tongue just so they could assimilate into a totally foreign one, for whatever purpose and reason. I was angry at Othello for slaying members of his own race just to be accepted by the white Venetians, especially when he denounced his own damn culture as barbaric and whatnot.

I'm all for learning a new language and culture. In fact, I don't regret ever learning English, not a single bit. I just don't think that it should be done at the expense of your own language, the one that you inherit from your ancestors.

And being Chinese, I'm still struggling to strike a balance between the two. I refuse to believe that I can only have one and not both. I refuse to believe that an equilibrium can't exist where English and Chinese make equal sense to me.

And I will keep struggling to achieve that equilibrium, no matter what it takes me.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010