equalise the pressure it's all too much
written: 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003

I hate feeling so damn pressurised all the damn time and I hate having commitments to school to outside activities and why the hell was I roped in anyway damn I hate being duped just some fucking faking me dammit and I haven't started doing any of the holiday assignments and I think I'm gonna die for that's how the story always ends I just procrastinate so much and I want to do well but how can I when all I do is talk and not much else I mean I hate this feeling building up inside of me like I'm trapped beneath multitudes of smashed debris my legs arms my whole body crushed to tiny little bits shards of glass stabbing me making me bleed and I can't get out 'cause I don't have the fucking strength to pull myself out of this wreckage that perpetuates my conviction I'm ossified beneath my own expectations and I wish I could say 'fuck off' to all these shit that's getting me down but I can't I just can't no matter how much I want to and I hate it I hate being so not eloquent I don't want this to turn out so mediocre and commonplace and trite but the words aren't coming they're not coming I can't write anymore and I feel so empty so void so hollow and dry how can I embellish these tediously boring entries for crying out loud how can I live a life different from what I have and what the hell do I have you tell me 'cause I'd really like to know I'd like to be formidable sometime in my lifetime but who knows how that would work out and I hate berating myself like this but what the hell do I have any other choice I don't know any other way I would like to get away surreptitiously in the dark like a thief steathily with graceful agility like a panther perhaps get away jump over rooftops and screw propriety I know I'm not exactly affable but you don't have to bleeding ostracise me either make an effort stop being so mundane I hate it when people are so damn boring or maybe I'm the one who's boring and I've been deluding myself all these years when I thought mistakenly that I was interesting oh what a joke what a lie what prosaic prose oh my god prosaic what a word surreptitious affable and what else yes berate SAT words shit I can't believe I'm succumbing to such levels but maybe I need it use the words I'd copied down so that I can remember them 'cause I can't I can't remember anything anymore maybe I'm getting old and in that case it's time for me to finally kill myself.

Really. I don't expect anyone to read that. Oh well.

First SAT attempt: 1260

Second SAT attempt: 1110

You see why I'm panicking?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010