a time to rant, a time to rave, a time to die
written: 6:47 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 19, 2004

The damn mid-years are finally finally finally FINALLY over. It's been only three days but the past three days felt like an entire lifetime, multiplied by two. It was bad. It was gruelling. I completely died. My teachers are crazy for jam-packing everything into three short days. All my papers and I take four goddamn subjects. I won't even care if they put GP in as well because, well, GP is like a bloody breeze on the cheek for me. Piece of cake. Close one eye and I still can do it.

But I digress.

So on Monday was the Econs paper. It lasted from 1.30 to 5.15, with a fifteen-minute break somewhere in between. I completely fucked up and I'm quite pissed with myself because I spent a lot of time cramming for the paper. Even went to school at 9 just to do more cramming. It's so stupid. I chose to do an essay question on market failure, knowing very well that it's one of my weaker topics. I completely forgot how to draw the negative externalities diagram and I had no examples! I would so rather talk about the bloody monetary policy, even the stupid fiscal policy, because at least I know what examples to include!

Why did the teachers put that question as the first question? Read that question first, understood it, didn't read the rest, so after I finished my first essay and taking like ten extra minutes I got real panicky and was like, ah fuck it, just do the market failure.

What a goddamn failure indeed. I am so dead. And MCQ was rubbish as usual. And case study? The first question made no sense. Asked for some link between China's growth changes and another country's. What in the goddamn hell? And I just had to spend like half an hour staring at my paper and staring into space, thinking of what to write.

MORON, JUST MOVE THE HELL ON! I am so smart that I truly amaze myself.

And it DIDN'T HELP AT ALL that something happened though nothing happened before the exam that completely distracted me. For the sake of my dignity and pride, however, I am not going to disclose what it is.

Anyway. Tuesday was Maths. Easy paper but because I am dumb, I fucked it up as well. Couldn't do an entire 10-mark question on the applications of integration. They gave some bloody y-square = square root x equation and asked me to find the area under the bloody curve. Huh? What the hell? And I stupidly forgot how to do the integrating factor thing under first order differential equations. I knew that something was supposed to disappear but for the life of me, couldn't remember what. And to think I aced the test on that topic. I hate myself.

And three-hour history paper after that. Yeah. Horrendous. Didn't study well so forgot a lot of vital facts. Couldn't remember if Vietnam's self-declared independence came before or after the August Revolution. Couldn't remember the outcomes of the two Police Actions carried out by the Dutch in Indonesia. And those were my supporting evidences for my argument. Ha! Dead. And yes, European History. Teacher set a question on Napoleon, something about his rule breaking with the ancien regime and going against the principles of the French Rev. What the hell? I wrote one paragraph and handed it in as my essay. And you know what? I totally blame it on the stupid, demented teacher who used to teach us. The night before, I actually bothered digging out the crap she gave us, but unsurprisingly, those shit had no head, no tail, only a decapitated and mutilated body that made no sense.

I mean, my mom asked me who started the French Rev and I didn't even know. To think we spent a quarter of last year going through the shit! What a travesty! What a joke! What a complete waste of my precious golden time!

And today was Literature. Two three-hour papers. Fucked up Paper Four, utopian writing, because I was too verbose and I tried to emulate my seven-page essay written in a week under an hour and a half. And completely fucked up practical criticism too. The stupid prose passages made no sense and I spent two hours on Ted Hughes's "View of a Pig". And I wrote only two and a half pages. After the exam Mel, Princess and I ran into our (anal) teacher and she specifically singled me out, like, "And you, you were totally struggling. Your body language was all wrong. You better find out why and make sure that you see me for more than one consultations."

You could've totally heard the sound of released air. That was my ego deflating. I didn't get the subtext AT ALL for that dumb prose passage. It was from some story, "The Use of Force", by some writer named William Carlos Williams. Anyone read it? Please tell me what the point is, 'cause I didn't get it at all.

So after the test I went to West Mall with Mel to have a second lunch at Mos Burger. It was about 4-something, and we had lunch at 11. Oh, the fish burger and the fries tasted so damn good! I was completely ravenous and enervated and mildly upset but ah, I'm choosing not to care.

But seriously, at the rate I'm going, I'm not going to make it for the A Levels. And that is a reality I will not accept, no matter what.

What I need to do: Be relevant. Be succint. Write well. Analyse my shit quickly. Be decisive. Be smart. Stop making wrong decisions. Stop doing essays that will kill me. And most importantly, STUDY.

For now though, I'm going to take a couple of days off. Tomorrow I have no school because the Geog people and some Science people are having exams, and mine are done, so I'm going to watch a dumb movie and laugh like a retard. Yay. Exciting shit. And I'm going shopping with my mom. So buying clothes from Mango, or bloody else.

I love shopping.

And I find myself liking something I thought I'd left behind, all over again, and I don't know why.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010