why my life sucks, and other related stories.
written: 5:54 p.m. on Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004

Oh my god. I finally completed a full-length Economics essay, by myself, at home, without referring (much) to notes. This is the first time I have ever done this... I think.

Well, whatever it is, I did the investment thingy and I'm done with it and I'm feeling this rare sense of accomplishment that certainly does not come by often so let me revel in it while it lasts, nevermind that I probably don't deserve it as I wouldn't be surprised if I got the question all wrong, but dammit, I'm going to stab myself in the foot repeatedly later this evening when I try to figure out what to do next so I think I'll hang on to this nice feeling for a while if you don't mind, thank you very much.

Honestly though, sometimes I think I'm talking/writing/referring/directing words at myself when I use the word 'you', like I did in the paragraph above. In fact, I talk to myself all the time in my head, even have a dialogue, for example:

[Subject: Current infatuation]

Voice One: So like, you're totally disappointed that you haven't seen him in like, almost a month, right?

Voice Two: Uh, sure, like I'm that free.

Voice One: Yeah, sure, I totally believe you. Please. You know it yourself; stop freaking denying it.

Voice Two [sarcastic]: Oh my god, like, I am, like, a total bimbo! Noooooo!

Voice One: Oh fuck you. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. Stop being in denial all the time. It's, well, pathetic!

Voice Two: Honestly, the only thing I really care about right now is how I'm gonna cram two years' worth of work into my head in a mere span of two months before I face the firing squad, a.k.a the fucking prelims. I don't have time to think about stupid things like the intriguing fact that I haven't seen somebody for a long time and how that intriguing fact makes me feel, if it makes me feel anything at all, and that is a fact. So stop insinuating stupid things and leave me alone.

Voice One: Yeeeeeah, makes a lot of sense, what are you thinking about right now?

Voice Two: ... Oh for crying out loud, piss off!

Well, you get the idea.

So I really wonder when things like that happen... which voice is the real, authentic me?

Or maybe it's a mixture of both?

Or maybe it doesn't matter because all that matters right now are exams and getting straight As and getting fuck-rich in the future?

***

For the record, it does not matter at all who it is I haven't seen in like a month. Does not matter. Okay? Grand.

***

So I was graciously told by my brilliant British GP/English teacher today that I have a tendency to over-write.

A nicer way to phrase that would be to say that I suck do not have a good enough control of my vast vocabulary.

I asked him about the stupid comments that the fuckhead who marked my essay made, including underlining the word 'myriad' I used (as in, "...myriad senseless acts of depredation"), and he told me that sometimes, things are better expressed in simpler words.

That was nothing new, been told that by teachers as a general remark thing before, but I've never been told by anyone that my vocab is badly-controlled.

I mean, I honestly don't think that I have an extensive vocabularly. When he spewed this long and complex sentence to illustrate his point, in my mind I was like, "What?"

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with "myriad senseless acts of depredation"? It's not even that, well, cheem! (Hokkien for 'difficult'.)

Okay, Yelen, calm down. Your brilliant Brit teacher is very much unlike the fuckhead who marked your essay, the same fuckhead who doesn't know that 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind' is a "perfectly legitimate" expression, immortalised and uttered by the great Gandhi himself, so just listen to him for once in your complacent, smug, arrogant existence. Okay? Good girl.

Seriously, I need a brain transplant. I am too cynical for my own goddamn good. If I don't get an A1 for GP during the actual exam, the world will definitely end. Mark my word.

And when I get an A1, I'm gonna rub it in the face of that poor misguided marker who has his head stuck up his ass, and be like, "Ha! You lose!"

Because I am a winner, bwa ha ha ha ha.

***

Econs teacher spent almost two periods going on about how it is important that we started studying now or something along those lines.

Despite the fact that I was urging her in my heart/mind/what-difference-does-it-make to move on quickly to the international trade MCQs because I could not do jackshit, I was mildly inspired by her talk.

You would kill me before I fall into the pathetic bottom 5% of the entire cohort of students who sit/sat/are sitting for the Economics A Level exam.

I would kill you before you even attempt to tell me that I cannot make it, because I can, and when I say I can I mean I can, so fuck off.

***

Nothing on on TV tonight. That is bad because I don't get no freaking entertainment. That is good because I get more time to attempt to study.

Study study study study study study study and if I type 'study' one more time I am going to mis-type it. Exams are my life. My life is exams. Nothing more, nothing less.

Oh, my life sucks. Yep.

before sunrise // before sunset


Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010