sinking.
written: 6:36 p.m. on Friday, Jul. 16, 2004

(That was an empty threat. Of course. Suicide is reserved for when I'm 40, for crying out loud.)

Now, it really sucks when one suffers two consecutive shitty days. It's even worse when one does not know why one suffered two consecutive shitty days. If that is not articulate enough, let me rephrase: I don't know why I was in a bad mood in school for two days in a row, after a smashing Wednesday that rocked my world.

Okay, to be fair, I was only annoyed on Thursday at the very end, like fifteen minutes before my mom came to pick me up (was gonna take the bus but as I was walking out of school I realised that it was five, which meant that the bus was going to be infested with disgusting people, so I called my mom instead). Now, if I hadn't went up to the cafe and joined some of my classmates, I think I would not have been in the bad mood.

But I chose to do it anyway. So stupid, self. They were all bloody teasing you about the person that you like, like it even makes a difference either way, and how irritating was it when one of them kept saying that he's an asshole and when you asked why she conveniently chose to ignore the question? Oh, maybe she was distracted because she plain wasn't listening.

You're always going to be second fucking fiddle so don't even try to fit in anymore. It does not matter. You don't even care for being part of the clique or whatever, so why?

And yes, my dear friend, I know from first-hand experience that he's an asshole he can be an asshole. So what? He showed up at the cafe on Wednesday and I never expected him to. Sure, the attraction must have been the cake, which is of course the best cake in the universe, but whatever it is, he was there. Hell, he made my day. He really did and he has absolutely no idea. And I can't tell him because I can't function around him and I can't do shit when he's around and of course there's that whole gap which is practically a prerequisite or something but my point is, you were another part of the reason why I had a great birthday after four years of shit and I don't really understand why you're making all these comments and why you seem to think it's funny when you joke with the others about it.

I mean, teasing is fun but it gets too much sometimes. The looks that were exchanged in LT5 on Thursday afternoon... I don't even know what to say. It got to a point when I was almost embarrassed.

I felt so lousy when I left the school. I couldn't articulate it then, and I sure as hell can't articulate it now. It's a lot more than what I've just typed. I'm choosing to withhold information because there are things that I don't exactly want random people who know me to find out.

Besides, it has the potential to be humiliating. Hence.

So today. Nothing much to do with the above. I decided to take an Econs test for fun. So I went up to the second level. Took the questions from my teacher's tray. Sat down. Read through the questions. Decided on question number four: "What are some of the benefits of a low rate of inflation and high economic growth?"

Wrote two paragraphs, until I realised that the question is on inflation and economic growth, the latter being a topic I have not even read through.

So I panicked. Fifteen minutes out of the forty-five minutes passed. I decided to do the interest rates question: "Account for falling interest rates in any economy."

I went off about monetary policy. After almost a page I had no idea what I was writing about at all.

So I gave up.

Hence, I was fucking pissed off at myself, was demoralised, was almost on the verge of breaking down or something along those lines, was almost on the verge of asking for help but pride eventually won and I went home feeling like shit.

I watched Buffy and the OC and I scribbled like hell in my diary so I'm slightly better now.

And by the way, the interest rates question was on the Loanable Funds Theory and the Liquidity Preference Theory. And of course, those phrases did not even cross my mind when I was attempting the question.

If I continue to be such a failure, I am going to fail the A Levels.

And failing is, of course, never an option.

(And when I say 'fail' I really mean 'get anything below a C'.)

Oh yeah, and today in Maths class I realised how bloody behind I am and I still have twenty more chapters done previously which I merely have a hazy clue of and so I'm screwed, over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again and again.

And by the way, it wasn't as if I didn't study for the test that I planned to take. I did. Yes, I should have written down stuff but the mere fact that I read through the lecture notes and tolerated the grammatical errors and disgusting use of the English language, a fucking hallmark of JJC Economics Lecture Notes, shows that I did attempt to study.

So I don't even have an excuse now.

What am I to do then? You tell me. What am I to do?

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010