dearest helpless.
written: 6:07 p.m. on Thursday, Jul. 22, 2004

And... okay, this is kinda bad but oh my god. I can so relate. All the exam angst, the 'I know I have to study but I don't know where to start' symptons, I'm going through all of them now.

Every now and then in class I get attacked by a wave of tears, or merely an urge to cry. It's fucking preposterous, if you want my honest opinion, and I mean that in more ways than one.

I'm quite amused and perplexed at the same time by the fact that I can deal with break-ups, suicidal tendencies, the prerequisite teenage angst that accompanies anyone who's coming-of-age, whatever emotional shit that life decides to throw my way with a smirk on his face, I can deal with all that but the one thing that I cannot deal with... is exams. The stress. The knowledge that the A Levels are entirely capable of making or breaking my future, my incompetency in dealing, the works.

I can't handle this. I'm in unchartered and unfamiliar territories here, and yes, note the irony, for I'm supposed to have gone through this at least ten times over but nope, this is new. I've never felt so helpless before in the face of impending doom, a.k.a examinations. I've never bothered, hence never bothered to attempt to study and get good grades. All my life it was the bare minimum, the least that I could do because I was either too lazy or too indifferent.

This time, I'm still lazy, but no longer indifferent. I know I have to do this. And to a certain extent, I know that I can do it... but for crying out loud, how? How am I supposed to sit down, stare at my books/papers for three straight hours when I've never done so before prior to this supposedly-crucial year?

And to make matters worse, the timetable thingy that I was supposed to draft was an utter failure. I made a list of all the topics under all my four subjects and when it hit me that I actually have 50% more to do than what I had initially thought, I pretty much crumbled and died.

I was supposed to finish the plan on Tuesday. It's Thursday already and all I've done was to draw up the tables, fill in the dates and fill in two slots. That's it.

This is really, really Ridiculous with a capital 'R'. I'm bloody eighteen years old, supposedly mature for my age and yet I can't even do something as seemingly-simple as planning my time.

You know, I don't think I can even pass the A Levels at the rate I'm going. Forget the distinctions. I'm just sitting on my lazy ass, waiting to be filled up with information required to obliterate Cambridge's asisine shit but who's gonna do it for me if I don't do it for myself? Right? Makes sense, right?

Another problem is, my self-confidence has been plummeting steadily to its death recently. All the conviction that yes, I am capable of achieving what I want, I think they were mere lip-service, and nothing more. And it's rather catastrophic, because believe me, self-doubt is really, really draining. I don't have time for it, neither do I have time for angst.

But with each day that is taken away from me by the cruel hands of time, with each day that passes by with me accomplishing absolutely fuck-all, the anxiety merely gets the better of me and increasingly, I sink lower and lower in this stupid, self-imposed sea of self-doubt. I'm surrounded by sharks and there's hardly a life buoy in sight.

Somebody please tell me what to do. I really do not know how to go about doing this.

And if I don't pass tomorrow's Econs test, I doubt very much that I could ever get my self-confidence back again. I have to pass, if not get a C, in tomorrow's test in order to annihilate this stupid slump in which I'm stuck, once and for all.

Then again, the above assertion was made in ceteris paribus conditions, on the assumption that what I'm feeling now is a slump, nothing more.

Somehow, I doubt that that's all there is to it.

On a brighter note, Jay Chou released his new single yesterday and I downloaded the song, Qi Li Xiang (directly translated as "Seven Mile Fragrance" but apparently it means Orange Jasmine in English).

All I can say is, Jielun has done it again. I'm not afraid at all of being disapppointed by him, because he is incapable of letting me down.

His new album is coming out on August 3. I can't wait.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010