another.
written: 6:40 p.m. on Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004

I wrote this in my diary last night when I was recounting what happened during recess. You know, you running to me and telling me the news? Yeah. So here goes.

"I know she did it largely because of me, and that's really amazing because it's her birthday. I mean, to some extent she wants [for it to happen] too I guess but I think if it weren't for me, she wouldn't really care that much.

I don't know what to say. Sometimes, though, there are simply no words to adequately express the magnitude of gratitude I feel towards her, and it's not merely because [of what she did]. It's that, and so much more. It's insurmountable, uncontainable. I'll never have a friend quite like her ever again."

Had to censor some parts lah. Some secrets can only exist between us mah. (Insert wink here.)

In a nutshell though, I love you to bits and pieces and no one else would ever come close. Thank you for everything.

School: Shit boring.

Every single lesson: Falling asleep.

Blanked out during first period of Econs. Blanked out during History and was immensely appalled by the stupid questions that some students asked. Hell, we've been doing source-based for how long? Like a year and a goddamn half? I couldn't believe that they were asking preposterous things like, "Do we need to say if the hypothesis is correct or wrong?"

Oh god. Spare me the agony. Why am I in this school?

And GP. Essay outlines. Group essay outlines.

And by those very words my head falls onto the table and I don't lift it up for to do so would be a waste of energy that I haven't got any extra to spare.

I can't wait till it's all over.

I suspect I'm coming down with the flu. Throat feels itchy and nose is running. Lovely.

I wonder if I'd lose any weight during this A Level period. If I studied really hard and became all enervated and drained and sickly and I ended up losing weight, even if I didn't get what I want I'd still think it's worth it.

Okay, I lied. It would be nice if I lost weight but the net effect would effectively be zero if I ended up failing.

I'm a very binomial distribution kind of gal. I either succeed, or I fail. There's no in between.

Going by that I should connect with statistics but I still prefer Pure Mathematics.

Then again, you would be damn sure that the Apocalypse has arrived if I continue to do Maths after I've killed it once and for all in November.

Somehow, everything comes back to school. I'm tired of it. But what is to be done about that?

Too many people are reading this. Have to censor myself senseless then.

Fret not though. This newly-found quest to self-censor only applies for a tiny, minute part of my life. There are things that I don't care if people know about, including even the status of my pseudo-virginity, but this is not one of them.

It has a lot to do with pride. It's one of the things I value most in life. And it also happens, simultaneously, that my skin is, figuratively speaking, very fucking thick.

You could prick my skin with a needle and I wouldn't feel anything. This seemingly-impossible feat is, in fact, something easily achievable, as simple as the act of turning over one's palm. It's a no-brainer, it's intrinsic, I hardly think about it anymore.

Gone is the awkward secondary school girl in a pinafore that falls to her knees, glasses that hide her malice and spite, the uncomfortable silences that hang in the air between her and a member of the opposite sex, the fleeting glances, self-effacing thoughts. I'm different now. I'm different every day. But a constant prevails anyway: I, don't, care.

And that is the answer to all of life's seemingly-impossible questions.

Thank you very much. Now it's time for dinner.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010