on dedication and motivation.
written: 7:19 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004
(I hate the word 'blog' but it's convenient, just like how it's convenient to call a film a movie, so... yeah.)
Re-discovered this guy's blog, whom I used to read... last year.
I really, really (do not) hate to say this, but when you read something like that, eloquence in English and Chinese, you kind of just want to weep for the unfortunate students in your school.
My dears, you have no idea who you're up against. You still think scrapping a mere pass is good enough? Are you sure you wouldn't be moderated to a fail? These people obviously have the language advantage, so what are YOU gonna do? Sit on your ass and pray that a miracle would happen?
Wake the hell up. You're not good enough. You've already lost half the battle by not knowing English (at least, English that counts). Still wondering why the Econs teacher is always talking about not falling into that disastrous 5%?
What can I say? Tubby is right again. We're all losers in this school. More than half of us wouldn't make it, especially if they keep up with the disgusting sloth.
I don't know. It's rather scary, but I've just realised how intense it's gonna be in November.
And I have just decided that I don't feel like thinking and talking about it anymore.
Went to school for History today.
I am still amazed by the kind of dedication that my teacher displayed today. It's Teachers' Day, for crying out loud. I may think it's corny and rather hackneyed but it's still Teachers' Day, a day for people like her to rest, take a break, say 'fuck off' to their tidings in the school.
But nope. She conducted an extra class for us because we couldn't finish our revision.
Economic impact of colonialism. I fucking hate it to its very core; too much tedious, boring, pedantic facts, figures, percentages, clinical detachment and abstraction. "The locals suffered a vicious cycle; they were trapped within the economy imposed upon them by the colonial masters."
Whenever I think of Paper 2 History -- Southeast Asian history -- it seems rather inevitable that I would associate it with seemingly-infinite amount of generalisations -- like I said, ripped off from somebody else, someone more intelligent, more talented than me, clinical detachment. You talk about how local Southeast Asians suffered the dire consequences of the Europeans' myopic development of their economies. The concentration on primary products. The limited, almost negligible development of the manufacturing industry, a pathetic last-ditch attempt by the Europeans at reversing the devastating effects of the Great Depression on Southeast Asia.
That's lovely, but you don't talk about individuals as human beings, but the collective population as a whole. You wonder, at times, how things were REALLY LIKE for them back then. Land fragmentation, low wages, long work hours, being subjugated to chao ang mohs, what gave them the right?, how could things have been different?
But of course, none of it is relevant to the History syllabus. We're only interested in generalisations, in making things easy. But it's not easy. It wasn't easy for the millions of individuals who suffered through the Europeans' grandiose and downright pompous shit of "civilising" Southeast Asia, and it's certainly not easy to teach something so dry and boring and CLINICAL to a bunch of average students. It's never easy to prepare notes on such a non-exciting topic, even worse when you have to sacrifice your holiday to make sure that your students are properly revised. And it's downright onerous when you ask a simple question but get absolutely no response, as though you're talking to ten faces as blank as the four surrounding walls.
"How did the colonial masters facilitate exploitation?"
"How did the transformation of the Southeast Asian economy into a capitalist one affect the locals negatively?"
"Why was the sudden need to earn money traumatising for the Southeast Asians?"
I admire her patience and perseverance. I really do. Those questions are nothing she hasn't gone through before, over and over again, in fact. And the slight feeling of embarrassment at not knowing the answers to those simple, straight-forward questions... well, shame on you, Yelen.
Like I said before, I can count on one hand the teachers whom I truly respect. Miss Lim was one of them, and today, I am left with absolutely no doubt that she's one of the best teachers I've ever had the honour of having.
And you just know that a person isn't a pretentious, empty music lover when that person responds intelligently to the name Maurice Ravel.
Didn't really intend for this to become such a sentimental, teachers' day-ish rumination on my respect for a particular teacher, but there you go. I was bitching about having to go to school on a school holiday, but I am 18, and hence, I am susceptible to being absolutely stupid and selfish. There you go.
I don't think there's anything else I want to say. Well, I haven't planned my strict studying regiment yet, but I think I'll do so tonight after I'm done with the SAJC Econs MCQ.
Speaking of which, I haven't done a single MCQ question since the completion of the International Trade tutorial a few months back.
Am I bloody screwed or am I bloody screwed?
I hate MCQ. I'd sooner do ten essays than 40 MCQs.
And yesterday, Mrs. R reminded me of the valediction thing.
Sometimes I REALLY don't feel like thinking about these things. I mean, I don't really get the impression that I'm reading the journal of a top student, let alone the valedictorian, when I peruse my own shit (quite often too), but there are people who seem to think that I can do it. I don't know if it's mere rhetoric or if they truly mean it... whatever it is though, I gotta put back some of that fierce, obdurate and defiant self-confidence that I used to have before I started feeling all morose and... for want of a better word, sian.
(Sometimes, there are words that lose their meaning when one attempts to explain it in English. 'Sian' is one of them.)
Oh my god. It's SEPTEMBER. I'm taking my History Paper One prelim the following Monday.
What happened to August? Oh, I know, I wasted August feeling like shit, like I'm a fraud, like I'm just expecting myself to compose the 9th Symphony when I'm only capable of composing a goddamn concerto.
(Speaking of 'concerto', I was quite amused when this Lit teacher pronounced it as 'con-ser-toh'. As in concert-toh. It's con-cheh-toh.)
Okay. Seriously. Time to stop wasting time. Between July, when I went to him to unload and seek advice (the first time in my recent recollection that I spoke about my problems), and now, I don't think that much has changed on the self-discipline front. I plain suck at it, and I know it, but I'm tired, too, of being bogged down by my lack of it.
I mean, seriously lah, it's the worst excuse ever not to perform as well as one should. Like, "Why did you not get 4As? I expected you to!"
"Oh, well, I can't discipline myself, so..."
"You mean you COULD HAVE but you DIDN'T because you didn't try HARD ENOUGH?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Bollocks."
My exact sentiments. It's bollocks. It's the worst excuse, to reiterate, and the most depressing reason. And after a while it just sounds like you're only trying to make yourself feel better for your severe short-comings. Once or twice is okay, but over and over? Sooner or later it'll morph into, "I'm telling myself that I didn't try hard enough, when the truth is, I'm stupid, plain and simple."
Hell no, I'm not stupid. Duh. If I were I wouldn't still be taking 4 subjects. If I were he would've told me to give it up and just focus on three. If I were, and I realise that my repetition of 'if I were' is bordering on overkill, well, let's just put it plainly: If I were stupid, I wouldn't be writing like this.
Time to write that symphony.
First, I need to get off the computer.
before sunrise // before sunset
Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010