world upon your shoulders.
written: 6:59 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004

I spent about ten minutes before that crying four drops of tears.

When I think about the end of it, of all of this, of everything that I've held dear and familiar for the past couple of years, a strange, intriguing prick of sadness tiptoes through me, as if it really matters at all.

There are things which my cynicism can't shield me from.

There is also one thing which I won't talk about here, partly because I want my privacy, and also partly because it's too embarrassing. More importantly, I don't understand it.

Is there anything worse than not being able to understand yourself?

I've spent pretty much my entire life griping about how misunderstood I am, how my parents don't know the first thing about me, yadayada teenage angst bullshit, but when it comes down to the core of everything, I'm no different from the rest of them.

I thought I would be glad to get rid of this... illness, this goddamn fucking ulcer that currently plagues me.

I thought I would be glad to pry it off my skin and dispose of it when the time is ripe.

I thought, in short, I would be glad to leave junior college and Singapore's education system for good, so that I can begin the life that I've always wanted, but never got to experience.

If it were true, then how do you explain the vague but certainly present feeling of being unable to let go?

It's September, my prelim is next week, and I choose this time to think about this bullshit.

The future is daunting. I don't know where I'm headed. I don't what I want, what I'm gonna do, what I'm gonna be.

And I know even less why I've just told the whole world that I cried today because I'm not a big fan of crying and the last time I almost cried was also very embarrassing. I think it happened about three or four weeks back. I was in school. I was annihilated, through and through, by differentiation (the stupid graphs and rate of change and whatever else nonsense). I was at a loss. I went upstairs to look for my teacher, but she wasn't there. Hence, the panic increased in magnitude. I wanted to die, or just give up. So I turned to my next best alternative. Talk. Not just to anyone, but to that one person whom I knew would lift the weight off my shoulders.

And that, in brevity, was humiliating. Couldn't control the emotions, almost let the floodgates open, but luckily my pride won and I managed to keep it down.

But exposing my vulnerability for whoever cared to jeer at was just bloody out of line. And writing about it is even worse; I've aberrated like hell from that straight line and I'm convinced that I'm half-drunk, or completely intoxicated, but what's the difference?

I don't know. I feel bloody lousy right now. And it was much worse before and I would've used that chance to excuse myself from work, but I'm glad I didn't.

Not because I'm so sensible, but because I hate crying and I refuse to be weak. Hence.

But I digress. And this side-track pretty much parallels what I was trying to say earlier on.

If that made no sense, let me explain it clearly: I am directionless, just like all of my entries. I am stupid, just like all of my entries. I make no sense, just like all of my entries.

Clear enough?

(sarcasm) I can't wait to force myself to complete three more sets of Maths revision tonight, one of them being fucking trigonometry. Exciting stuff. Really.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010