shit.
written: 1:56 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004

Hmm. I just realised how absolutely teenybopperish I sound. I think I kind of understand my dad's obdurate to let me attend such functions in peace, ie. without him making a big fuss out of nothing and ruining my mood.

But then again, what's the point of harping on about it? It's 2 and I'm at home and he's leaving Singapore tomorrow (after giving a talk at The Chinese High School; bloody lucky bastards) and I would stake out at the gates of TCHS but I have an exam to sit for. Blah.

Once again I'm in the midst of committing academic suicide. Practical criticism. What's so practical about criticism? In fact, what's so practical about Literature? Tomorrow's gonna be hell, and I'm just looking forward to the afternoon when I'd get to head down to Parkway Parade and shop till I drop. Oh yeah. Good thing that it's my grandma's birthday tomorrow and we're all going down for some dinner and in the meantime my mom agreed to drive me to Parkway. I dreamt this morning that I was at Mango, grabbing a huge stack (no other word for it) of clothes off the racks and tripping over this long skirt because my arms were too full and I was on the floor, picking everything up, but the point is, it felt so good. I need to buy a yellow top. Like, a bright yellow one. Should go nicely with this army green skirt I have.

Among other things, I also dreamt about my Econs Paper 1 and Paper 2 (MCQ and Data Response/Case study). On the bright side, in the dream I failed the MCQ and case study magnificently: 1/8 and 1/10 of a hundred (which is, as I have just calculated, 10%) respectively. This means that I will not get 10% for my case study, and neither will I get only 1 answer correct for my MCQ. On the down side, I passed the DRQ, which means that I will fail it.

Great. This is precisely what I need to think about. Sadly, my objective evaluation of all the papers I've taken thus far is... to put it very simply, everything sucked and if I'm lucky I'd get an A for History but that's about it. At the same time, I'm pretty sure that my European was shitty in spite of the SMS from my teacher so I won't be getting the A there either. And Lit? Prac crit will screw me up for sure, all thanks to the Bulldog who continues to haunt me still. I've been stuck in this rut since the beginning of the year, and the shovel that I need to dig my way out is nowhere in sight; neither is anyone looking as if they're about to toss it to me.

Fan-tastic.

But what I really want to talk about in this entry, after about ten paragraphs of preamble-ish nonsense, is none other than my dear old school.

Wait, before that: I AM SO PISSED THAT I AM NOT AT THE PARAGON RIGHT NOW! ARGH! MY ONE AND ONLY CHANCE TO SEE LIU XIANG IN PERSON -- GONE! JUST LIKE THAT! BLOODY SHIT!

Okay, so I've been reading endless complaints directed towards good ol' JJC in various blogs the past few days, and everyone knows that there is certainly no love lost between me and good ol' JJC. But all things considered, there is a strange, subdued reluctance in me to leave the place...

Then again, that's not entirely accurate. It's not as much about the place as it is about the system. It has been 12 years in Singapore's air-conditioned (literally for 2 years), cushioned and cocooned education system. Life has been a no-brainer thus far: every day entails the same routine, with slight variations thrown in as an afterthought along the way. I absolutely hated it, couldn't wait to get out of it and into the 'real world' where I could finally spread my wings, but now that freedom is only a few months away, I'm feeling strangely reluctant to finally let go.

Maybe I've grown so used to the shackles around my feet that removing them would mean breaking my ankles, but whatever it is, I don't really have a choice in the matter. Yeah, I could probably bomb the A Levels on purpose so that I'd be retained and hence I'd have another year in the system but my ambivalence towards the issue is not that complex. Besides, I think my pride is worth so much more than a crazy, subtle desire for things not to change.

But I digress. Yes, I digress. I did say that I wanted to talk about the school, didn't I? So yeah. JJC. It sucks. Prom night's in school which means I won't be going (unless a perfectly good reason presents itself to change my mind, and even so, I'm not buying a new dress for the stupid occasion), no one in there can speak, let alone write, English like an educated being except for my friends, even less people can speak Chinese correctly without completely mauling my beautiful mother tongue, everyone is ugly, everyone is stupid, people stupidly think I'm smart just because I have good English, people with bad English under the illusion that they have good English laugh at Science stream students with non-existent English and completely make ME laugh, yadayadayada, I'm sure we've heard it all so there's really no need to repeat any of it.

What we haven't heard, however, is the good side to the dreary situation. The silver lining in the dark storm cloud. And other similar cliches. The fact is, JJC has done me some good, in the sense that I got to meet amazing people whom I won't have the chance to know otherwise.

Um, sorry about the cold water that I'm about to splash, but I just decided that I don't feel like talking about this after all. This entry has taken me an hour already and I feel like reading more of Sylvia Plath's journal so I'm just gonna leave it at that.

Maybe I'll continue with the thought some other day.

Then again, most probably, I won't.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010