this is insignificant so don't bother.
written: 6:42 p.m. on Saturday, Oct. 09, 2004

Maths is getting on my nerves but what else is new.

I still have another ten million pages to go in my Econs TYS before I'm finally finished with the MCQs and I'm already dragging my feet halfway to my grave, but what else is new.

I read Othello this afternoon and I fell asleep. This is new, because the last time I read the book was probably for the promos last year.

Officially sick of studying, or attempting to study. It's the most hilarious thing a person who has not properly studied for many many years can do because that person will simply prove, at the end of the day, that he (in my case, she) is a stupid fraud who cannot do anything right even if his life depended upon it.

I'm seriously not watching 2046 anymore. It opens next week. I still have so much shit left to sift through. How am I supposed to sit in a darkened theatre in peace and enjoy Wong Kar Wai, ie. not think about the fact that I'd be effectively wasting two hours of studying time?

I don't even want to see a doctor because it would also be a waste of time.

Fuck.

Seriously. The stress level is at an unprecedented high. The status quo has been rocked hard and subverted. If I don't do this right, it's the end of the world.

Confession: I, am, fucking, afraid.

I don't want to do this at all.

Here's why I'm convinced that I'm going to fail:

1. I'm a fraud and that is indisputable.

2. My marks were subconsciously inflated by my teachers because I happen to be smarter than 99.99% of the people in my school, but because I do not give the slightest shit about the people in my school, it is of minimal consolation to me, considering I'm currently stuck in a bottom-5 college and hence have to get used to feeling pressure from the top when it was always the other way around in secondary school.

3. Who the fuck can ever get a 41 for a shitty essay?

4. I still cannot do Maths without a) wanting to tear my hair out; and b) referring to the solution to "guide" me through.

5. Knowing how low on luck I have been my entire fucking life, I'd probably fall really sick during the A Levels and that would jeopardise any sliver of chance I might've had at -- to resort to a cliche -- seeing my dreams come true.

6. The fact that I just typed that cliche shows that I cannot write a coherent, let alone eloquent, sentence to save my pathetic, insignificant and utterly worthless life.

7. People who get better grades than me didn't get A's for Econs (my ex-RJC cousin who is currently tutoring me in Maths who got A's in F Maths and Maths; and Mr. Nerd). What makes me think that I would be able to?

8. Many things regarding Lit, especially the paper entitled Shakespeare and Other Major Authors, more particularly the infamous Practical Criticism, that I don't really feel like going into because I think I would take the lift up to the 9th level, open the door to the roof garden and jump to my death if I did, or even allow myself to think about it.

9. Not that I really care about some teachers' expectations, but it just so happens that they collocate exactly with mine: The 4A's are, essentially, an impossibility because I am me and hence whatever I want will always turn to shit.

10. Everyone is capable of pissing me off right now and when someone does I lose the motivation to torture myself even further with [insert name of subject, any subject, all subjects, take your fucking pick].

11. I have the worst concentration level ever. Two Econs MCQs later and I proceed to stare out of the window/into space/at the wall/at my fingers/at my toenails/at my table/at my bed/everywhere except, in fact, the stupid ten year series. When it comes to Maths, the ratio of number of questions attempted to the number of minutes spent focusing on these questions fall even lower.

12. I'm basically punctuating this list wrongly but I don't care at all right now. And the fact that I don't care sheds incredible light onto the amount of respect I have for the English language. Hence, it's going to cost me the A1 for GP, as well as the A's in all essay-writing subjects, because I said so.

13. I got an A1 for the GP prelim. I got an A1 for the Sec. 4 English prelim. I eventually got an A2 for the English O Level paper. Hence, I am going to get an A2 or worse for the GP A Level paper.

14. In brief: I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I'm stupid. Or, to quote Joaquin Phoenix, "I'm a bitch. I'm a whore. I look like a horse." For this potent and succinct reason alone, I am going to fail.

And since I'm a binomial distribution person, that means that 'success' is defined by the number of A's that I get (6, including GP and Chinese). Logically, 'failure' is then defined by the number of A's I fail to get. And since what I really want is 6A's, I am going to fail.

I suspect that if I didn't get the A2 for Chinese, I wouldn't be putting so much pressure on myself right now.

Yeah, that made no sense. Tell me about it.

I have a shitty, banal song (If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys if I'm not wrong) stuck in my head and I absolutely hate that.

The next portion of this entry has been deleted. It doesn't matter anyway. It's not important at all.

That's all.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010