bad mood.
written: 6:21 p.m. on Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004

Gave stupid answers to questions in class. It's not as if my confidence level has not plummeted enough over the past couple of months; today made it plunge head-first into the negative region.

Seems impossible right now. Maybe I should simply let it go. There is no point in my relentless pursuit because the end result would be the same either way. I cannot face this with equanimity because its implications are far too strong and definitive. I feel like this is it. If I don't get this right, that's it. It would confirm that the O Levels was, indeed, a true reflection of my abilities, or lack thereof, and it would also confirm that I belong in JJC after all.

People think that I'm stress-free just because I got better grades than them for the prelims. Excuse me while I completely fall on the floor laughing my ass off. They don't get it. I don't think anyone truly gets it, let alone myself. This is the single most horrible, disgusting and onerous thing I ever have to go through. Break-ups were not half as bad; this is the epitome of all the bad things that I have slogged through my whole life and it's not getting any easier. With every single day that passes, pushing me closer and closer to the commencement of the dread A Level exams, the panic in me increases greatly in magnitude.

What more can I possibly say? And what's the point in even attempting to articulate any of it?

Needless to say, I'm in an extremely morose and self-effacing mood right now. But I sincerely believe I'm a fraud and I challenge anyone to dispute that.

Uh, yeah. Piss off and die.

The only good thing about today is that it rained, and the wind is cooling and chilly. I'm probably going to get severe muscle aches in my legs later on but it's a justifiable price to pay for making me feel less bleak.

How ironic. The bleak weather makes me feel less bleak. Haha.

Somehow reset the cookies in this computer and after like a month, I finally finally finally got to access my Yahoo! mailbox.

My god. I'm flooded by messages from some Joaquin Phoenix mailing list I joined three years ago. And speaking of whom... I'm damn pissed that I won't be able to watch Ladder 49. I read the review for 2046 today, which only served to whet my appetite for it.

This is the worst thing EVER. You hear that? The worst thing ever. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm convinced that my Maths has permanently gone to hell and there is nothing I can do to get it out of there. I wish I had it in me to fully let go... but fierce, stubborn pride refuses to allow me to.

I hate myself right now.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010