the part where yelen completely freaks out.
written: 6:18 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004

I AM DEATHLY PETRIFIED AND THAT BARELY SUMS IT UP AND JUDGEMENT DAY IS TOMORROW BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN TO DO DELAY THE MOMENT OF TRUTH AND THAT STICKY FIRST DATE WITH THE HANGMAN.

I'm going into big time freaking-out mode and this is not good. Despite yesterday's reassurance (re-re-re-re-reassurance actually) from him, I still think that I'm gonna fail by getting a measley A2.

Shit.

Where the fuck is my confidence?

Wait, that's not quite it. The question is: WHERE IN THE BLOODY WORLD DID MY ARROGANCE GO? I need it NOW. Why do I choose the least opportune moment to completely doubt myself?

God, I'm such an ass. And the fact that George W. Bush is currently on the verge of winning another four years in the White House, hence assuring a complete obliteration of the world sometime in the next four years, means that I am going to fail my A Levels too.

Did that even make the slightest aota of sense? This is the kind of non-coherence that I'd probably display in the hall or wherever it is that I'd have sex with the hangman tomorrow.

I don't know what it is with me and sexual non-imagery (oh my god I typed "imageries"! Oh my god I am going to write 'culteries' and 'sceneries' tomorrow!) either but yes there you go.

I am scared I am scared I am afraid I am petrified I am terrified and I don't know any other words for 'scared', etc so I'm going to fail the vocab section of paper 2 tomorrow.

Okay. I need to tell myself to shut up. Do the visualisation journey thingy recommended by Mrs. Razal, where I imagine that I get my well-deserved A1.

But whenever I embark on such trips the outcome is always the exact opposite of what I'd pictured in my mind, and it applies for non-academic endeavours too.

Oh my god someone has to tell me now that I'm going to get an A1 or I will really die.

By the time people actually read this though, I'd already be offline.

I'm so damn jittery that I don't even feel like making fun of people's pathetic attempts at prose that completely spill over into 'very bad and unintentionally hilarious writing' territory and THAT'S certainly something new.

Oh, speaking of new, I would just like to announce that my stupid prehistoric Sony Ericsson T100 finally died on me for good yesterday. I was messaging someone halfway when the button 'six' mysteriously ceased to work completely. So after that it was a ghastly mess of messages mired in broken English that were so not me, like, "The six has ceased t0 w0rk s0 that shld exp the bad spellg." Really mortifying and atrocious stuff. Talk about a true test of my creativity and ability to paraphrase -- indeed, a nice warm-up to tomorrow's GP exam, only it took place a day early.

I mean, I couldn't even type the word 'new' so I had to substitute it with 'fresh'. How presposterous.

Swopped phone with my mom though. She tried to get me a new one but apparently I can only change my phone when my horrendous plan expires, which is NEXT MAY.

Okay, I don't feel like going off on a rant about how idiotic mobile phone contracts are because they're so darn inflexible and stupid because I have to pay a S$300 penalty for terminating a contract which gave me a free phone to get a new phone which obviously makes no sense as it's just going to take another ten years and I don't have ten years to spare so I'll focus on freaking out right now, thank you very much.

This is bad. The more good-luck messages I get from teachers, the more I freak out.

I can't do this lah. Can someone kindly take my papers for me? That is, someone with brains. No use getting a moron to take my exams and to completely blow it 'cause I'm rather sure that I can do that all by myself.

I'm hungry.

I'm so not looking forward to stuffing historical facts into my over-worked brains after GP tomorrow. How boring. I can already envision myself falling asleep at my desk. Have to seriously up the caffeine dosage then.

I think my English can't make it. I think my general knowledge can't make it. I think I can't make it. I'm going to die. I'm pulling a Tony Leung Chiu Wai here (people who read his quote in yesterday's Life! should understand; people who didn't -- too bad) but yeah, I'm just...

You know, like, freaking out.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKING HELL WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS MENTAL TORTURE????????????????????????

I'm not bothered to archive my October entries. Will do so after the exams.

I can't even think of the happy fact that everything would be over in three weeks because I don't even want to go through the process of getting there. I wish there existed a pill which I can take that would put me to sleep and when I wake up, it'd magically be the 26th of November and I'd finally be able to go on a shopping spree to prepare for Jielun's gig on the next day. (And yes, his gig needs serious preparatory work.)

Yelen, grow the hell up. This is so childish. I can't believe you have the cheek to call yourself 18.

I almost wish that I'm going into this with the attitude I had when dealing with the O Levels, just so I won't feel so panicky now, but on second thoughts, if that were the case, my A Level cert of CCCC (or CCCF, F for Maths) would be guaranteed and that would be nothing short of catastrophic.

Right. I'm shutting up once and for all. It's about time anyway.

Tasks for the night: Read all the articles I've accumulated since July, flip through the dictionary for new words, and relax.

Need to relax. Or else.

Oh, that totally eases the pressure. Good going, self.

I am such a genius.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010