blank.
written: 6:29 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004

Anyway, the mood has been rather bleak today. Didn't feel like studying at all. I'm stabbing myself painfully in the guts here because next week has the potential to destroy my 3A's dream (Maths is a goner, like I said yesterday) but I just wasn't up to anything today.

I can't do this. I can't get over the GP, I completely screwed up Maths and I think I'm gonna screw up next Tuesday and Wednesday too and I really can't afford to. Lit and Econs. I love Lit and I like Econs. I won't be satisfied unless I get an A for both subjects.

This person whom I'm in love with kept telling me to move on, forget the GP because he thinks that I'm going to do well, no matter what I say, but I can't. It's no longer pure paranoia like it was for the prelims; it's a strong gut conviction that does not lie.

I can't believe how easily the A1 eluded me. Just like that. I picked up my pen and it slipped through the black of the ink, off the table, out of the door. And just the thought itself is enough to make me cry.

I feel like going to Harvard/Yale. Okay, I know. What the hell is wrong with me, right? I don't know. I only wanted NYU because it's in New York and I really don't feel like going to NUS because it's in Singapore and I heard that this girl who graduated from my school last year got into Yale with ABC so... yeah.

I'm just going off in all directions. As usual.

I can't even read about all the things I've written about GP, here and in my diaries, without feeling that painful stab of disappointment anymore. The nerves did me in. If only I were calmer, more alert, more relaxed. I wish I could do it all over again, and like Khai said, I wish I could re-write that essay and mail it to Cambridge as proof of my true capabilities.

God, I can't get over this at all. The more I think about it, the more I know that I'm right. So I should stop thinking about it, right? Yeah, tell me something I don't know. I just can't bloody stop lah okay?

And I was just thinking today of how I'd really miss JJC once I'm out of there for good. I bitch and moan and piss and whine about it all the time but when it boils down to the truth of the matter... I hate the place but I'd miss it anyway, more than I'd ever miss SNGS.

It's the company. Mel, Pei, Khai, Mr. Girl, Angela, Jesselyn, Baoyue, a few people from my class, a few other people from the other classes, Meg Ryan, him, Tubby, Mr. Anand, Mrs. Razal, etc etc, even Mr. Dore, and some others whom I've inevitably forgotten because my brains are just like that. Of course, there are people whom I wish I've never ever met, but who the hell cares about them?

It's gonna be weird. I might even cry during graduation, but then again, they may be tears of laughter brought about by the "revamped" look of the school.

And I also realised today that I really do miss my mates from SN. Yunnie, Carine, Pearlyn and Limei; the group whom I studied with during the O Levels; and a few other people here and there, mostly from my class and from the other express class. Haven't seen many people in a million years. I guess that's unavoidable.

I don't know what my point is, so... yeah.

I really can't stand how off-centre my stupid layout is. It feels like I have to turn my head slightly, by maybe 0.00000000001 degrees, whenever I try to read the damn thing.

Why am I reading my own journal, you ask? Because I'm bleeding bored and I don't feel like thinking about my exams, let alone the fact that I'm gonna get a shitty B3 for my GP.

Oh, here we go again.

But honestly, if only that person with whom I'm in love (actually it's just a crush) BELIEVED ME and told me that it won't be the end of the world. Why doesn't he believe me? Bloody hell. Messaged him the other and asked if they'd moderate the marks because it's my only hope and he was like, "Can you quit it? You'll do fine."

YEAHHHH RIGHT. I usually love being right but not this time. I wish he's right but he's not and that applies for everyone who shares the same belief too.

Seriously: Yelen, you HAVE to shut up about GP or I will personally push you off the fucking balcony or whatever and I really mean it.

But seriously: I'm really quite heartbroken and sore about it but.

Okay. Shut up.

Anyway, moving on.

I made an intriguing discovery yesterday. I won't describe it in too explicit details, but... Then again, I don't think I'd go into any details at all. Whoever's interested can ask me privately.

Thoughts: I am a cold-hearted bitch so that further compounds the futility of liking this current person for I'm positive that the outcome would be exactly the same and the fact that he's a pious Christian doesn't really help matters much at all but yeah.

What the fuck is the point? Who the fuck cares? Get the fuck over it. What the fuck is so great about me? (I just realised that the first ex could be charged with statutory rape but anyway.) I mean you wonder why we put ourselves through such misery but when you really take a good, hard look at us the truth is obvious: it's because we're fucking stupid, that's why. Duh. Humans are so idiotic and I'm not exempt from that rule. I don't know why I do the things that I do, why I feel the things that I feel, why I don't feel the things that I'm supposed to feel, the things that any normal human beings would feel.

I was and still am indignant and defensive when I was perusing my discovery yesterday but I think I was supposed to be guilty and... yeah, guilty. I could be tried for Extreme Bitchiness and Cold-Heartedness if there were a Moral Police but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm just me. Something went wrong when I was conceived and my chemicals are inbalanced in the area which is supposed to determine my emotional intelligence because I have none. People have said that I'm analytical, that I'm smart, blah blah fucking blah, but seriously, that's all there is to me.

I can't love anyone but myself. I can't care for anyone but myself. And right now, I seriously don't see what the hell is so wrong with it. I can't even write anything poetic that is worthy of another pair of eyes to read. I mean, when a person is good at English but can't write a really good poem it just shows so much of that person's severe lack of EQ.

I think I'm going to be out of touch with my emotions forever. I can't express anything but anger and indifference and that peculiar simmer of subtle hotness that halfway resembles hatred, but isn't really for I haven't the capacity to hate either because it's too strong an emotion for me, and because I simply cannot be bloody bothered.

But as for the question of whether I'd do anything to tie up loose ends before I leave JJC for good, the answer is no. Hell no. Who cares? I still don't care. I don't think I'd ever care ever again.

Okay, great, time for dinner. I'm bloody starving.

I have to make myself study or else. I really want the A's. And since I have to give up emotional intelligence for intellect, I might as well put it to some use, right? Yeah.

Shut up Yelen. You're an ass and an asshole.

before sunrise // before sunset

Previously:
- - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2017
I'm moving. - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2010
In all honesty - Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2010
What I want for my birthday... - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2010
On Roger's behalf. - Friday, Jul. 02, 2010